Monster inside

There is a monster inside of me; a vicious, conniving, back-stabbing monster. The monster has been there for as long as I can remember. I have always been strong enough to keep the monster caged. Caged somewhere deep inside where no one looking in can even glimpse it. But recent events have rendered me unable to continue to hold back the beast. It, she, has sprung forth from within and has not only decided to show herself but take over the true Sarah.

The monster is very charming, she knows how to work with false beauty. She knows how to be manipulative and cunning. She knows how to make people believe in her, help her and then she rips their beating heart right out their chests and tosses it to the dogs with a giggle.

This monster, my Ana, she is out to destroy. She is bent upon revenge and having everyone in Sarah's life be as hurt as Sarah is. She has no concept of human decency for she is not human, she is monster.

She uses Sarah to do her dirty work, she has no respect or responsibility for Sarah either. When the damage is done she will simply depart leaving Sarah alone to pick up all the pieces and face the blame alone. This is how monster Ana plays her game. She always win and everyone in her path loses.

Ana is very cryptic. She wants you to be clued in to the fact that she is up to something. But she doesn't want you to know what she has in mind. Knowing would allow you to prepare. Would allow you to save yourself from the heartache she has in store for you.

Ana can't have that.

She wants to see you cry because of her.

Its kind of her goal.

Ana is going to be hurting Sarah soon. She doesn't mind if you know that. She is so mad at Sarah for telling people about her. She had every intention of letting Sarah slide by with only cuts and bruises. Then Sarah decided to reach out for help and tell people about how hurtful and real Ana was. IS. Nothing has ever made Ana so angry. She hates Sarah with a passion. She wants Sarah dead. She has no compassion for Sarah's plight. She is out to destroy her. She allows Sarah to speak openly and honestly with doctors and specialists and managers and people posing as friends, and then she turns around and forces Sarah to purge her body after purging her mind. Every truth she tells, another instance of pain Ana will inflict upon Sarah.  Sarah finally reached out and went to a specialized eating disorder clinic, spilled everything that she has been thinking and feeling. She told the therapists there about the drugs she had taken to keep the edge off, about the cheap quick connections she was making with people so that even if only for a moment she could feel some physical comfort and pleasure. She told the therapist everything. But as Sarah left her session, before she ate dinner, she was accosted by Ana and obeyed. She ate only mere bites of the dinner prepared for her. She immediately went to the restroom after her pallet teaser and tasted her dinner a second time, only this time with a bit more acid and tears. She stood up, wiped her face, refused to look at herself in the mirror and took half a bottle of laxatives. Sarah is taking all the right steps to kill herself. Everything she is currently doing is in stark contrast with itself. She gets specialized help, just to go home and purge more than before. 

Sarah thought that she was ok to go out to eat with friends. She thought she could handle a buffet, it was Sweet Tomatoes, just salads for the most part. She could eat salad and feel ok about herself. She wouldn't need to purge. She would be able to laugh and smile and be ok. But Sarah is not as strong as she gives herself credit for. Or as strong as others give her credit for. She is damaged. And she is a good liar. People believe that she is ok and relax their watchful eyes. After all, she barely ate and what she did eat was salad. Why on Earth would she purge such a light meal? Clearly they can't hear Ana screaming in Sarah's face. 

Clearly they don't know

Clearly Sarah HAD to purge

Clearly Sarah should never be trusted

WHY!!!!!!!

Clearly Sarah is weak

Sarah excused herself. Went to the restroom. Purged herself. She felt light and free and ashamed and dirty and unlovable. No one could love someone with such a horrible disgusting addiction. She had to hide her shame. Had to hide her humiliation. Had to hide her weakness. But she didn't want to. She tried to tell someone. Tried telling them why she shouldn't be trusted. She tried. But her cryptic cries for help fell upon deaf ears. These are her friends. They trust her and they don't want to see a problem. They want to only see the happy smiling girl at their table making horribly racist and horribly funny jokes.

This third person narrator is too close to both Ana and Sarah. Her mind is racing and she can't make sense of it. She wants to tell you everything Ana and Sarah are doing. Wants to let you in and wants you to help Sarah. But she is scared of Ana. She knows Ana better than most, and she is scared of what Ana will do to Sarah if the truth is let out in its entirety. Someone notice Sarah, someone comfort her. Someone smack her. Someone force her to do whats right. Someone help her save herself. Help her vanquish Ana! HELP HER!!! Please. She can't do it alone, and thats how she feels right now. 

(Even though not necessarily rightly so)

At my weakest I feel strong...

... and at my strongest I feel weak and defeated.I have this feeling that that isn't how things are supposed to work.
Stomach flu-ish type things... my best friend and worse enemy. I thrive on exactly what stomach yucks bring me: purging. I have been having non-self induced bouts of nausea and vomiting.
My body was empty. Completely empty. Heaves would bring up nothing and I was passing only liquids in my stools. I was completely empty and on the verge of dehydration.
But was I feeling weak and defeated in my empty sick state?
NO! OF COURSE I WASN'T!
All I could think about was how amazing it was going to be to have a new fresh start with Ana with this empty purified stomach. How much easier fasting was going to be now that my stomach was already empty and I was past the stomach pains.
I was thinking how easy it would be to slip by and go unnoticed in my love affair. How much easier it would be for me to begin my laxative abuse again because my stomach had gotten used to the cramps again.
I was thinking, if I just reunite with Ana, I could be beautiful again. This time I would value it and hold on to it. Not give in just because someone asked me to. Thrive in my beautiful state. BE STRONG!
But I know that this is wrong. It has to be. Doesn't it?
Whats wrong with it though?
Besides the fact that I get a little quick to anger (and that could be due in large part to the fact that I feel under attack), what am I doing that's so wrong?
You say I'm killing myself, and I say you are full of shit. We could all be hit by a bus tomorrow, gunned down, fall and even if it not some freak accident, every day that we live we are one day closer to dying. Everything we do in life brings us one step closer to the final dawn. So why is it so horrible that what I'm doing kills me? We are all going to die one day, right?

See there goes that unhealthy thinking again. But its all I ever think about anymore. Starving. Purging. Suicide. Cutting.
God the thoughts of self mutilation. I might miss that more than Ana. I miss being able to physically express the hurt that I was feeling inside. I miss being able to look down and be reminded. Reminded me to feel. To stay human, to not zone out. "I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all".
Constantly in my head I will get lost in day dreams. But my day dreams are more like the average nightmare. I always see myself in a complete and total maniac rage. I am slicing at anything that comes near me. Including my own limbs and body. Slashing my things. Thrashing against my wrists. Slitting my stomach. Gashing my stomach. Cutting and ruining anything. But in my eyes, people don't see. They see meanness. They see frustration and bitchiness. They get angry with me. Tell me to calm down. But they don't really see all the pain. They can't see how much I don't want to function anymore.
I just don't want to anymore. I feel awful. I can't seem to hold onto anything that gives me joy, My current relationship is scaring the shit out of me. I am too dependent and frightened to death it will end. What will happen to me if it does? Where would I go? What would I do?
I think about these things because I fear she will get sick of me. Bored of my antics. Bored of depression and mood swings. They will take their toll on her and she won't be able to deal anymore.
Especially when there are others.
Other girls equal and exceeding me in beauty. Girls that are more like her. That smile more and aren't as sick in the head as I am.

FUCK ME! Why can't I just shake this. Why can't I just look at everything I have and be grateful and happy? I have everything a person could ask for. I am loved, live in a nice place, have a family, have a job, am pretty, and have friends. What more can I demand?
Why am I so selfish?

I thought all women felt like this

I learn a little more everyday just how unlike the majority of people I am. I thought it was normal to completely hate and loathe your body while on your period (which I am not enjoying having again). I thought all women felt bloated and exceptionally fat and the like. I am apparently wrong, as I am with most things in life.
As always my head takes things to the extreme and pushes me out of the norm. I wake up in the morning and I immediately feel bigger. I see rolls upon rolls of just disgusting blubbery fat. My thighs touch, my stomach sags, my arms jiggle. I just feel the fat. Then god forbid I look in a mirror. Its like looking into a fun house mirror almost. I couldn't be taller than 5' and I must weigh 600 lbs. But its not a fun house mirror, its just your average normal bathroom mirror and I end up seeing a monster looking back at me.
When did I become so body dysmorphic? I do recognize that it is at least partially dysmorphia but I feel like what I see can't be too horribly far off from what others see. How can they not see this whale? How can they not see all the acne? How can they not see my huge disgusting muffin top? How can they not see that I'm fat? Not see how lazy I am? Not see what a wimp I am?
HOW CAN THEY NOT SEE WHAT A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING I AM????
I was getting so much better for awhile there but now I feel like I am falling again. At lunch today, I had to get up and go outside just to keep myself from running to the bathroom and returning to my old vices. I could physically FEEL the pull to go purge in the bathroom. I recently even had to remove the laxatives from my purse because they became too tempting and I didn't think I could overcome the urge to abuse them.
I feel weak. Just ever so very weak. I have no energy. No will power. No drive. No ambitions. No redeeming qualities.
Sometimes I just want to throw up all the negative in me. Throwing up and the over use of my laxative gives me this false sense of cleansing. I feel lighter both physically and mentally. I
I feel stupid. This is stupid. Why do I feel like this? Why do I want to do such STUPID! bull shit. Why do I feel so pressured to be something that isn't even so great and isn't even possible?!?! ITS NOT FUCKING POSSIBLE FOR ME AND IT NEVER WILL BE
Tell that to yourself over and over again, Sarah.
YOU WILL NEVER BE THIN
YOUR BODY ISN'T BUILT FOR IT
YOU WILL NEVER BE THIN
YOUR BODY ISN'T BUILT FOR IT
YOU WILL NEVER BE THIN
YOUR BODY ISN'T BUILT FOR IT
YOU WILL NEVER BE THIN
YOUR BODY ISN'T BUILT FOR IT
YOU WILL NEVER BE THIN
YOUR BODY ISN'T BUILT FOR IT
YOU WILL NEVER BE THIN
YOUR BODY ISN'T BUILT FOR IT

One more thing to add to the list

So apparently I now get sick after sex… what a wonderful thing to add to the list of what I hate about me. At first I thought my stomach was just upset because of my general hatred for being naked (I generally feel sick to my stomach when I think about what my girlfriend must endure in order to have sex with me) but then as my orgasm mounted my stomach pains got worse. I completely hyperventilated which caused me to freak out a little and my stomach seized. I thought the new more intense stomach pains were from the intense orgasm followed by the panic, but the pain didn’t go away. I was so sad and depressed because I wanted nothing more than to show my girlfriend the same intense pleasure that she had given me and instead I curl up in a fucking ball and fight not to throw up. Had she done the same thing to me I think I might have died. I can’t even imagine what it must feel like to have sex with someone and as soon as orgasm is reached she wants to puke… Like I wonder what goes through my girlfriend’s head. Does she think I’m faking it to get out of sex? Does it hurt her in any way? I certainly hope it doesn’t and I hope she realizes how much I love and want her at all times.
So why the intense stomach pains, nausea, and even diarrhea? Am I actually getting some sort of stomach bug, or is it the more logical mind games? I know that being naked and intimate stresses me out; I know that for some unknown reason I have had a greater than normal fear of abandonment; I know that I am sincerely fearing the results from my resent blood work; I know that at least part of me is worried about having an STD; I know that I am caring a ton of stress for my mom; I know that I miss Ana and all the things we did together.

I think most of all I miss Ana. Maybe I want to be sick, maybe I want to be throwing up and just purging in general. Maybe Ana is back and secretly pushing me again. I might be unintentionally faking being sick just so that I am not judged for puking. Maybe. I wouldn’t doubt it. I have done weirder and worst things.
Ana I miss you. Ana I love you. Ana I don’t know where to turn without you. I know you are bad for me and hurt me but how am I supposed to cope with life without you. When I purge I am physically releasing things that have been held inside of me and while they may not be all the anger and other emotions that I desperately need to let out, I guess I feel relieved almost that at least SOMETHING is being let go of and not weighing me down. I hate you, Ana. I don’t know how to live without you. I feel weak without you (not that I ever really felt particularly strong with you). I feel lost more than anything else. Nothing in my life right now is familiar. New people. New home. New job. Now I am to lose the one thing, person, thought pattern, whatever you are Ana! It scares me more than you could know and I’m not sure if I am ready to let you go.

I feel sick to my stomach. I want to hurl… But should I?? It will panic my girlfriend and would I be making myself feel better or would I just be taking a step backward in my recovery??!?!?!? Maybe only doing it will answer my question… Can I please just cry?

Never ceasing

While so many things about my way of thinking have improved over the past few months, I fear that Ana's will always be the strongest and loudest voice I hear. Even when I don't see her beside me and can't hear her taunting words, I have become just as hateful and cynical as her. I tell myself all the things she would tell me. She has conditioned me to do such. Its so horrible.
My poor wonderful girlfriend sounds like a broken record sometimes telling me how beautiful I am and how in love with me she is and how much she always wants me. I know that she isn't lying and I can see the truth on her face and in her eyes, but somehow, despite this, I still don't believe her. It doesn't feel real. I simply can't understand it. I don't understand how it is possible for her to look at me with such want and desire... Does she not see what a grotesque monster I am?!?!
I know that it would make sense for me to believe that I am the one with the warped thinking considering it seems no one else in the world seems to see things like I do... But of course that isn't the case. I think that the rest of the world is crazy and delusional and simply casting a blind eye to my hideousness.
.... Work has become this strange panic and anxiety inducing place for me. People there are so wonderful and that is a huge part of the problem. I feel this ridiculous need and longing to impress them. People at work seem to think I'm beautiful, Someone must mention it in some way or another at least once a day, and yet all that does is make me think about every single flaw I have and feel the weight of all the fat on my body. Its that fat that drives me crazy. I feel fat in our costumes. I feel fat when I stand next to my girlfriend. I feel fat when I am covered in sweat from the walk from wardrobe. I feel like its just this constant feeling and it brings down my entire mood. I try to forget about it, people can be happy and decent even when they are morbidly obese. I know I am not that far gone yet (though some days the girl I see in the mirror is) but still I feel like I am a worthless person entirely based on the way I view my body. This doesn't make the least bit of sense to me and it is ridiculously painful

This blog is ridiculous. It's rambling and nonsensical. I feel like nothing I wanted to convey was conveyed and I don't feel any better for letting it out. UUUGGGHHH!!!!
Ana I need your voice again. I need your ability to voice my pain and let out all the anger. Without you its eating away at me. I can't let it out at all. Come back to me!!!!

Overwhelmed

These thoughts and feelings are getting to be a bit out of hand. I simply no longer understand. I just want her to go away, disappear, and be gone from my life forever. Why was I ever introduced to her in the first place? She is not the beacon of salvation as she promises and claims to be.(Do I really believe that she isn't?)

She invited herself in

Ana has been inviting herself in a lot more frequently. I do not appreciate it. Tonight, her intrusion ruined some fun for me. She is amazing at that. But of course, Ana approves of any and all of her damage and seeks to cause more.
She is currently set out to have me deny myself. I'm not allowed the things to make me smile or healthy. She simply won't allow it. It's like she is clamping down on my entire body (and mind) and simply daring me to disobey. It is so painful.
I know that my girlfriend is fully aware of Ana's presence. No one else before has ever been able to sense her. Because of this, Ana hates her. Ana wants to destroy her. Destroy everything and anything that our relationship could and will be. I can't let her do this to me. I won't. I feel stronger when I am with my girlfriend. She is laying (hopefully sleeping) in the next room and with her strength and love so close to me I feel the power and courage to write and use my own voice. I don't need Ana to speak for me tonight.
I am hoping that this is a permanent change. While I know that Ana will always be near me, I hope that I never have to use her to speak to the world again. I want to be stronger than her. I don't want to ever give in to her again. I want to be FREE.
I think I can be free now. I know that my road to divorce is going to be long, hard, painful and frustrating, but it is also my earnest belief that I will make it through and I WILL divorce Ana.Maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even in 2011. But I WILL do it. I will free myself and I WILL allow happiness into my life.
Ana simply CANNOT have this power over me anymore. With my girlfriend around I have found myself able to voice all the mean hateful lies that Ana hisses and yells in my face. But once they are spoken aloud, they seem to lose their power. Hearing such hateful vile things come out of my own mouth help me to realize that they are hateful, vile, mean and above all else, lies. What Ana tells me ISN'T truth. I realize this now. I can finally hear Ana but not listen.
I know that there will be days where I fall back into listening. I know that once or twice of fifty times on my path to recovery I will become obedient to Ana. But I won't STAY that way. My falls will be brief and when I get back on the right road I will be stronger and come back with more conviction to leave her forever.
I feel like I should be sleeping right now but I simply can't. This ability to write, with my own voice (no matter how raw and grammatically incorrect this is) is so liberating. I don't want to stop. I don't ever want to be Ana again. I don't ever want to wallow in the pain that is my eating disorder.
I am working on my relationship with food. I am going to get my body healthy. I am not going to deny my hunger pangs. I am not going to give into Ana's binge craves. I am not going to fast starve myself. And above all else, I am not going to allow Ana to force me to purge. I will not.
I begin my defiance right now. FUCK YOU ANA!!! I AM GOING TO EAT A SANDWICH!!!!!!!!!!