Never ceasing

While so many things about my way of thinking have improved over the past few months, I fear that Ana's will always be the strongest and loudest voice I hear. Even when I don't see her beside me and can't hear her taunting words, I have become just as hateful and cynical as her. I tell myself all the things she would tell me. She has conditioned me to do such. Its so horrible.
My poor wonderful girlfriend sounds like a broken record sometimes telling me how beautiful I am and how in love with me she is and how much she always wants me. I know that she isn't lying and I can see the truth on her face and in her eyes, but somehow, despite this, I still don't believe her. It doesn't feel real. I simply can't understand it. I don't understand how it is possible for her to look at me with such want and desire... Does she not see what a grotesque monster I am?!?!
I know that it would make sense for me to believe that I am the one with the warped thinking considering it seems no one else in the world seems to see things like I do... But of course that isn't the case. I think that the rest of the world is crazy and delusional and simply casting a blind eye to my hideousness.
.... Work has become this strange panic and anxiety inducing place for me. People there are so wonderful and that is a huge part of the problem. I feel this ridiculous need and longing to impress them. People at work seem to think I'm beautiful, Someone must mention it in some way or another at least once a day, and yet all that does is make me think about every single flaw I have and feel the weight of all the fat on my body. Its that fat that drives me crazy. I feel fat in our costumes. I feel fat when I stand next to my girlfriend. I feel fat when I am covered in sweat from the walk from wardrobe. I feel like its just this constant feeling and it brings down my entire mood. I try to forget about it, people can be happy and decent even when they are morbidly obese. I know I am not that far gone yet (though some days the girl I see in the mirror is) but still I feel like I am a worthless person entirely based on the way I view my body. This doesn't make the least bit of sense to me and it is ridiculously painful

This blog is ridiculous. It's rambling and nonsensical. I feel like nothing I wanted to convey was conveyed and I don't feel any better for letting it out. UUUGGGHHH!!!!
Ana I need your voice again. I need your ability to voice my pain and let out all the anger. Without you its eating away at me. I can't let it out at all. Come back to me!!!!