One more thing to add to the list

So apparently I now get sick after sex… what a wonderful thing to add to the list of what I hate about me. At first I thought my stomach was just upset because of my general hatred for being naked (I generally feel sick to my stomach when I think about what my girlfriend must endure in order to have sex with me) but then as my orgasm mounted my stomach pains got worse. I completely hyperventilated which caused me to freak out a little and my stomach seized. I thought the new more intense stomach pains were from the intense orgasm followed by the panic, but the pain didn’t go away. I was so sad and depressed because I wanted nothing more than to show my girlfriend the same intense pleasure that she had given me and instead I curl up in a fucking ball and fight not to throw up. Had she done the same thing to me I think I might have died. I can’t even imagine what it must feel like to have sex with someone and as soon as orgasm is reached she wants to puke… Like I wonder what goes through my girlfriend’s head. Does she think I’m faking it to get out of sex? Does it hurt her in any way? I certainly hope it doesn’t and I hope she realizes how much I love and want her at all times.
So why the intense stomach pains, nausea, and even diarrhea? Am I actually getting some sort of stomach bug, or is it the more logical mind games? I know that being naked and intimate stresses me out; I know that for some unknown reason I have had a greater than normal fear of abandonment; I know that I am sincerely fearing the results from my resent blood work; I know that at least part of me is worried about having an STD; I know that I am caring a ton of stress for my mom; I know that I miss Ana and all the things we did together.

I think most of all I miss Ana. Maybe I want to be sick, maybe I want to be throwing up and just purging in general. Maybe Ana is back and secretly pushing me again. I might be unintentionally faking being sick just so that I am not judged for puking. Maybe. I wouldn’t doubt it. I have done weirder and worst things.
Ana I miss you. Ana I love you. Ana I don’t know where to turn without you. I know you are bad for me and hurt me but how am I supposed to cope with life without you. When I purge I am physically releasing things that have been held inside of me and while they may not be all the anger and other emotions that I desperately need to let out, I guess I feel relieved almost that at least SOMETHING is being let go of and not weighing me down. I hate you, Ana. I don’t know how to live without you. I feel weak without you (not that I ever really felt particularly strong with you). I feel lost more than anything else. Nothing in my life right now is familiar. New people. New home. New job. Now I am to lose the one thing, person, thought pattern, whatever you are Ana! It scares me more than you could know and I’m not sure if I am ready to let you go.

I feel sick to my stomach. I want to hurl… But should I?? It will panic my girlfriend and would I be making myself feel better or would I just be taking a step backward in my recovery??!?!?!? Maybe only doing it will answer my question… Can I please just cry?