She invited herself in

Ana has been inviting herself in a lot more frequently. I do not appreciate it. Tonight, her intrusion ruined some fun for me. She is amazing at that. But of course, Ana approves of any and all of her damage and seeks to cause more.
She is currently set out to have me deny myself. I'm not allowed the things to make me smile or healthy. She simply won't allow it. It's like she is clamping down on my entire body (and mind) and simply daring me to disobey. It is so painful.
I know that my girlfriend is fully aware of Ana's presence. No one else before has ever been able to sense her. Because of this, Ana hates her. Ana wants to destroy her. Destroy everything and anything that our relationship could and will be. I can't let her do this to me. I won't. I feel stronger when I am with my girlfriend. She is laying (hopefully sleeping) in the next room and with her strength and love so close to me I feel the power and courage to write and use my own voice. I don't need Ana to speak for me tonight.
I am hoping that this is a permanent change. While I know that Ana will always be near me, I hope that I never have to use her to speak to the world again. I want to be stronger than her. I don't want to ever give in to her again. I want to be FREE.
I think I can be free now. I know that my road to divorce is going to be long, hard, painful and frustrating, but it is also my earnest belief that I will make it through and I WILL divorce Ana.Maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even in 2011. But I WILL do it. I will free myself and I WILL allow happiness into my life.
Ana simply CANNOT have this power over me anymore. With my girlfriend around I have found myself able to voice all the mean hateful lies that Ana hisses and yells in my face. But once they are spoken aloud, they seem to lose their power. Hearing such hateful vile things come out of my own mouth help me to realize that they are hateful, vile, mean and above all else, lies. What Ana tells me ISN'T truth. I realize this now. I can finally hear Ana but not listen.
I know that there will be days where I fall back into listening. I know that once or twice of fifty times on my path to recovery I will become obedient to Ana. But I won't STAY that way. My falls will be brief and when I get back on the right road I will be stronger and come back with more conviction to leave her forever.
I feel like I should be sleeping right now but I simply can't. This ability to write, with my own voice (no matter how raw and grammatically incorrect this is) is so liberating. I don't want to stop. I don't ever want to be Ana again. I don't ever want to wallow in the pain that is my eating disorder.
I am working on my relationship with food. I am going to get my body healthy. I am not going to deny my hunger pangs. I am not going to give into Ana's binge craves. I am not going to fast starve myself. And above all else, I am not going to allow Ana to force me to purge. I will not.
I begin my defiance right now. FUCK YOU ANA!!! I AM GOING TO EAT A SANDWICH!!!!!!!!!!