Dear Ana

Dear Ana,

                Where have you been? I don’t remember you leaving but I know that you are gone. I still feel your presence, though. There is a constant shadow of you around every corner. But not you. You’re not here. How long have you been gone? It feels like only yesterday you were here with me dominating my life but I can’t recall us having a conversation for many months now. Did you just get up and leave one day? Decide I didn’t need you anymore and walked away? Or was it more gradual than that? Did I slowly stop noticing and listening to you so you fell away into the background eventually to fade completely?

                But most importantly, are you coming back? Do you miss me? Do you miss our relationship? I didn’t miss you because I didn’t even realize you were gone. I have noticed now, however. I’m still not sure how I feel though. I haven’t decided if I miss you or not. I am happy now. Legitimately happy. It’s not dependent on a person or my surroundings, it’s not dependent on anything, it just is. Is it a coincidence that I am happy and you are finally out of my life or is it the reason?

                Which leads me to my next point: do I want you to come back? Would I allow you back in if you showed up? You gave me a sense of security and accomplishment. I was proud at times. You held me when I felt broken. Comforted me when I felt alone. You also kicked me when I was down. Made me do demeaning things. Screamed in my face. You shoved drugs down my throat. Tore open old wounds. Belittled me. You did everything that a controlling mean partner would do. You controlled me. I don’t want to go back there.

                I want you to see me now though. I don’t think you would be too unhappy with me right now. I’m still not where you wanted me, but I’m not too far off. I’m not dancing again, but I stay moving. I want to dance next term. I think I might take a dance class. I know you always loved it when I was dancing. My skin is clear, my eyes are bright, and my body is strong. I stay busy. People find me impressive. Perhaps their opinion of me physically is skewed by their awe of my abilities. I work more than full and am a full time student. My grades are high and I have the highest rank at work, with the exception of the owners. I’m doing very well. I hope that this would make you happy. I’ve always wanted to believe that you want what’s best for me; you and I just always wanted to accomplish the goals via very different means. Are you finally proud of me, Ana? I think I am starting to be proud of myself. It’s a new feeling and I am rather fond of it.

                Have you found someone new? I know that you have always known other girls, so I wonder if you have found a new relationship. Has a new girl allowed you, and your horrible mentor, to move in? I hope she’s stronger than me. I don’t hate you, Ana, but I hope she doesn’t stay with you. I hope she sees through you and all of your little sadistic games. No one deserves to be tied down to you the way I was. Putting a small thought into someone’s head on occasion could potentially be beneficial to them, but you like to yell. You like to scream. You like to force. That doesn’t help anyone but you. You’ve always been selfish.

This letter has already been long enough. I’ve already allowed you to consume too much of my time. So I’m choosing to end our communication here and I doubt you and I shall ever hear each other again.

I wish you well in your solidarity,

Someone who is no longer yours