At my weakest I feel strong...

... and at my strongest I feel weak and defeated.I have this feeling that that isn't how things are supposed to work.
Stomach flu-ish type things... my best friend and worse enemy. I thrive on exactly what stomach yucks bring me: purging. I have been having non-self induced bouts of nausea and vomiting.
My body was empty. Completely empty. Heaves would bring up nothing and I was passing only liquids in my stools. I was completely empty and on the verge of dehydration.
But was I feeling weak and defeated in my empty sick state?
NO! OF COURSE I WASN'T!
All I could think about was how amazing it was going to be to have a new fresh start with Ana with this empty purified stomach. How much easier fasting was going to be now that my stomach was already empty and I was past the stomach pains.
I was thinking how easy it would be to slip by and go unnoticed in my love affair. How much easier it would be for me to begin my laxative abuse again because my stomach had gotten used to the cramps again.
I was thinking, if I just reunite with Ana, I could be beautiful again. This time I would value it and hold on to it. Not give in just because someone asked me to. Thrive in my beautiful state. BE STRONG!
But I know that this is wrong. It has to be. Doesn't it?
Whats wrong with it though?
Besides the fact that I get a little quick to anger (and that could be due in large part to the fact that I feel under attack), what am I doing that's so wrong?
You say I'm killing myself, and I say you are full of shit. We could all be hit by a bus tomorrow, gunned down, fall and even if it not some freak accident, every day that we live we are one day closer to dying. Everything we do in life brings us one step closer to the final dawn. So why is it so horrible that what I'm doing kills me? We are all going to die one day, right?

See there goes that unhealthy thinking again. But its all I ever think about anymore. Starving. Purging. Suicide. Cutting.
God the thoughts of self mutilation. I might miss that more than Ana. I miss being able to physically express the hurt that I was feeling inside. I miss being able to look down and be reminded. Reminded me to feel. To stay human, to not zone out. "I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all".
Constantly in my head I will get lost in day dreams. But my day dreams are more like the average nightmare. I always see myself in a complete and total maniac rage. I am slicing at anything that comes near me. Including my own limbs and body. Slashing my things. Thrashing against my wrists. Slitting my stomach. Gashing my stomach. Cutting and ruining anything. But in my eyes, people don't see. They see meanness. They see frustration and bitchiness. They get angry with me. Tell me to calm down. But they don't really see all the pain. They can't see how much I don't want to function anymore.
I just don't want to anymore. I feel awful. I can't seem to hold onto anything that gives me joy, My current relationship is scaring the shit out of me. I am too dependent and frightened to death it will end. What will happen to me if it does? Where would I go? What would I do?
I think about these things because I fear she will get sick of me. Bored of my antics. Bored of depression and mood swings. They will take their toll on her and she won't be able to deal anymore.
Especially when there are others.
Other girls equal and exceeding me in beauty. Girls that are more like her. That smile more and aren't as sick in the head as I am.

FUCK ME! Why can't I just shake this. Why can't I just look at everything I have and be grateful and happy? I have everything a person could ask for. I am loved, live in a nice place, have a family, have a job, am pretty, and have friends. What more can I demand?
Why am I so selfish?