Monster inside

There is a monster inside of me; a vicious, conniving, back-stabbing monster. The monster has been there for as long as I can remember. I have always been strong enough to keep the monster caged. Caged somewhere deep inside where no one looking in can even glimpse it. But recent events have rendered me unable to continue to hold back the beast. It, she, has sprung forth from within and has not only decided to show herself but take over the true Sarah.

The monster is very charming, she knows how to work with false beauty. She knows how to be manipulative and cunning. She knows how to make people believe in her, help her and then she rips their beating heart right out their chests and tosses it to the dogs with a giggle.

This monster, my Ana, she is out to destroy. She is bent upon revenge and having everyone in Sarah's life be as hurt as Sarah is. She has no concept of human decency for she is not human, she is monster.

She uses Sarah to do her dirty work, she has no respect or responsibility for Sarah either. When the damage is done she will simply depart leaving Sarah alone to pick up all the pieces and face the blame alone. This is how monster Ana plays her game. She always win and everyone in her path loses.

Ana is very cryptic. She wants you to be clued in to the fact that she is up to something. But she doesn't want you to know what she has in mind. Knowing would allow you to prepare. Would allow you to save yourself from the heartache she has in store for you.

Ana can't have that.

She wants to see you cry because of her.

Its kind of her goal.

Ana is going to be hurting Sarah soon. She doesn't mind if you know that. She is so mad at Sarah for telling people about her. She had every intention of letting Sarah slide by with only cuts and bruises. Then Sarah decided to reach out for help and tell people about how hurtful and real Ana was. IS. Nothing has ever made Ana so angry. She hates Sarah with a passion. She wants Sarah dead. She has no compassion for Sarah's plight. She is out to destroy her. She allows Sarah to speak openly and honestly with doctors and specialists and managers and people posing as friends, and then she turns around and forces Sarah to purge her body after purging her mind. Every truth she tells, another instance of pain Ana will inflict upon Sarah.  Sarah finally reached out and went to a specialized eating disorder clinic, spilled everything that she has been thinking and feeling. She told the therapists there about the drugs she had taken to keep the edge off, about the cheap quick connections she was making with people so that even if only for a moment she could feel some physical comfort and pleasure. She told the therapist everything. But as Sarah left her session, before she ate dinner, she was accosted by Ana and obeyed. She ate only mere bites of the dinner prepared for her. She immediately went to the restroom after her pallet teaser and tasted her dinner a second time, only this time with a bit more acid and tears. She stood up, wiped her face, refused to look at herself in the mirror and took half a bottle of laxatives. Sarah is taking all the right steps to kill herself. Everything she is currently doing is in stark contrast with itself. She gets specialized help, just to go home and purge more than before. 

Sarah thought that she was ok to go out to eat with friends. She thought she could handle a buffet, it was Sweet Tomatoes, just salads for the most part. She could eat salad and feel ok about herself. She wouldn't need to purge. She would be able to laugh and smile and be ok. But Sarah is not as strong as she gives herself credit for. Or as strong as others give her credit for. She is damaged. And she is a good liar. People believe that she is ok and relax their watchful eyes. After all, she barely ate and what she did eat was salad. Why on Earth would she purge such a light meal? Clearly they can't hear Ana screaming in Sarah's face. 

Clearly they don't know

Clearly Sarah HAD to purge

Clearly Sarah should never be trusted

WHY!!!!!!!

Clearly Sarah is weak

Sarah excused herself. Went to the restroom. Purged herself. She felt light and free and ashamed and dirty and unlovable. No one could love someone with such a horrible disgusting addiction. She had to hide her shame. Had to hide her humiliation. Had to hide her weakness. But she didn't want to. She tried to tell someone. Tried telling them why she shouldn't be trusted. She tried. But her cryptic cries for help fell upon deaf ears. These are her friends. They trust her and they don't want to see a problem. They want to only see the happy smiling girl at their table making horribly racist and horribly funny jokes.

This third person narrator is too close to both Ana and Sarah. Her mind is racing and she can't make sense of it. She wants to tell you everything Ana and Sarah are doing. Wants to let you in and wants you to help Sarah. But she is scared of Ana. She knows Ana better than most, and she is scared of what Ana will do to Sarah if the truth is let out in its entirety. Someone notice Sarah, someone comfort her. Someone smack her. Someone force her to do whats right. Someone help her save herself. Help her vanquish Ana! HELP HER!!! Please. She can't do it alone, and thats how she feels right now. 

(Even though not necessarily rightly so)