I can't do this anymore- a note to Tigerlilly

I can't. I am simply not strong enough to do this! Not without you. I doubt you still read this. In fact I am quite sure you don't. You don't seem to care anymore. But, I need you in my life. I don't think I am strong enough to be friends with you. But I need to be. You ARE my best friend and the only person I know who can bring me back to reality when it hurts this much. When the pain causes me to hide deep within myself. I am buried so deep in my own shit right now that I don't even know where I am anymore.
Maybe it would help if I got it all out, Told you how I feel. Let you know the damage you have done. Let myself be angry with you.

I FUCKING HATE YOU RIGHT NOW!!!!
I simply don't understand how you could do this to me. You lied to my face for weeks, you were so selfish. I don't understand why you couldn't be open and up front with me from the beginning. I feel betrayed and beaten by you. You told me you loved me. That you would love me forever. You promised me that you would always be there for me. Always be there to help me. Take care of me. YOU PROMISED ME. You said that what was wrong with me would never frighten you off. You promised me you wouldn't leave me because of it. My biggest fear was letting you in and letting myself be vulnerable, letting you know the truth, letting you see the pain. I didn't want to do that because I feared it would push you away. But you promised me time and again that you could see me and still love me and still want me. Another lie. You stopped wanting me as soon as the other girl came in the picture. You said you had admired her from afar long before her and I became friends. YOU FUCKING CUNT! Why wouldn't you say something?!!?! You told me you were madly in love with me and that I was the "best girlfriend in the world" mere DAYS before you decided you didn't want me anymore. WHAT THE FUCK??? We had the threesome, then you fucked her while I wasn't there. YOU FUCKED HER WHILE WE WERE STILL A COUPLE!!! You were still mine but you decided to fuck her. You should have told me right then that you didn't want to be with me anymore. Instead you went on and on about how hot it was and how much you wanted ME to fuck her. That you thought it was hot. You kept kissing my face and reassuring me that you were still mine and that if I asked you would lay off of her because you loved me!!!! You were mine! You kept saying over and over that you loved me. But I knew. I knew from the beginning. No one can love this mess. I should have known better. I shouldn't have let you in. I gave all of myself over to you. Surrendered myself completely. No one has never even come close to knowing me the way you do. You made me feel good and safe for the first time since I was a little girl of five or six. I felt safe and protected and comfort and loved when I was with you. Then that horrible morning, you said you didn't want me anymore. What changed?!?!?! You aid you couldn't be with me because you hadn't been happy in a long time. But you never said anything to me. You should have. It was selfish and cruel of you to continue on in the relationship knowing it wasn't going to last. And even more cruel and especially selfish to ask for a threesome when you knew our relationship was where it was. How could you do that to me? How?!?!? I don't understand. People don't do that to others that they love. So either you never really loved me, or you have lied somewhere along the way. I feel like you have to be lying. I don't understand you even a little bit right now. You couldn't be with you because I am in this relationship with Ana and you couldn't handle it. So you leave me to be with someone else who is in a relationship with Ana?? She drinks more than you care, she smokes pot, which you are against, she has her own load of fucked up shit to deal with. But she is better than me apparently. Do you think she is more beautiful than me? Is that it? Was the sex better? Or fuck, IS the sex better? I know her body is fucking amazing. More than mine is. What is it, Tigerlilly? What made her so much better than me? We are so much alike, she and I. Which is why this hurts so much. I don't even think you would be happy if you two did hook up. If I thought you would be happy, I could let go. But I'm being thrown away like yesterday's garbage and you aren't even going to be any happier because of it. It seems like an injustice.
I have been more miserable this past week than I ever have in my entire life.  When I saw the two of you sitting together at lunch the other day. I literally thought I was going to die. I apparently went pale and immediately was nauseous. I felt this intense pain that was unlike anything I have ever felt before. It made my migraines seem like a cake walk. I started to shake and I had to get out. Had to get away. But all I wanted was to come join the two of you. Come hug you and have you tell me everything was going to be ok. I did that for you didn't I? I held you while you whined about me being in the way of you ever having a relationship with her. I held you while you cried about hurting. I just held you. And I loved you.
But who the fuck is taking care of me!?!?! I need it more than either of you do right now! I don't have anywhere to live, I don't have the mental stability to stay at work, I have very little money, I AM ALONE! I lost my safety. I lost my best friend. And even though she has still been there for me. I feel like I lost my mom. I feel like I lost everything. And yet. I am alone. There is no one here to hold me to. To talk me through things. You are my best friend and you aren't here to reassure me. No one is. I miss you.

As much as it hurts, I honestly feel that I will do better with you in my life. You have taught me so much. Shown me so much. Loved me so much. I can't stand the thought of facing life without you. Its about to get really hard for me. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I want to baker act myself. I don't think I should be trusted. Please come back to me Tigerlilly. PLEASE! I need you. I know I can't have you the way I once did but I need you. I need someone who knows me to talk to. Someone who can see through my bullshit and get down to the meat. Someone who just knows. Someone I can be honest with. Despite everything, I still trust you more than anyone else. I really seriously feel like I need you. If you read this tonight, come to me. Please. I don't want to talk. Not really. I just need to be held. And no matter how much it hurts to be in your arms, I will feel safe, and I won't fear myself. I am a huge danger to me. I always have been.
I know this is hard for you too. But please, please, just come to me tonight. I trust your judgment. I trust you. I need someone I can trust and who really knows me to help me right now. Get me going in the right direction. I still love you. I will always love you. Please come