There is the ever resounding call from within me. The call, the longing, the screaming to cause pain. I hurt someone I love last night. It didn't satisfy anything within me. It hurt me. Seeing the tears well up in her eyes, feeling her body tremble as she shook in her agony. It didn't make me feel any better. I felt like I was the monster, not just consumed by it. I let my words cut into her. I let my own selfishness pull her down.
But the monster is still here. Her pain has not silenced it. The monster is screaming for more pain. More destruction. She wants to hit closer to home this time though. The monster is directing her rage toward me now. She, it, wants to destroy me. Pull me down to the ground. Stomp on me. Spit on my broken and bruised body.
I am hurting. The monster's claws her digging into my flesh. Into my head. Into my mind. FEED ME!!! It screams. Feed my anger. Feed my rage. Feed me. And I will relax my hold on you. I will let you go. Make the hurt stop.....
So i feed the monster. I feed and I feed and I feed. And I FEED FEED FEED FEED!!!!! Feed far past the point of hunger. Feed til I'm numb. FEED FEED FEED! I will continue to feed until I feel the pain. PAIN PAIN PAIN
Thats what I want. Thats what I need. To feel the pain. I deserve to be hurting right now. I deserve nothing more. I have been selfish and rude and evil and I have lied. So many lies. So now? All I deserve is to hurt.
I don't want to hurt though. I want to be happy. I want to feel like a human. For the first time in fifteen years I want my smiles to last more than a moment. I want to be really happy. Truly happy. I haven't been happy since I was five. Whats wrong with me. Most people get depressed, yes. But not for fifteen to sixteen years. This is bullshit.
So I feed my pain. FEED FEED FEED IT!!!! Food shall cure. Food shall not stay with my body but for now, I will bury myself in it. Bury myself in the food. Let it numb me to the pain. NO MORE PAIN!! PLEASE
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