She invited herself in

Ana has been inviting herself in a lot more frequently. I do not appreciate it. Tonight, her intrusion ruined some fun for me. She is amazing at that. But of course, Ana approves of any and all of her damage and seeks to cause more.
She is currently set out to have me deny myself. I'm not allowed the things to make me smile or healthy. She simply won't allow it. It's like she is clamping down on my entire body (and mind) and simply daring me to disobey. It is so painful.
I know that my girlfriend is fully aware of Ana's presence. No one else before has ever been able to sense her. Because of this, Ana hates her. Ana wants to destroy her. Destroy everything and anything that our relationship could and will be. I can't let her do this to me. I won't. I feel stronger when I am with my girlfriend. She is laying (hopefully sleeping) in the next room and with her strength and love so close to me I feel the power and courage to write and use my own voice. I don't need Ana to speak for me tonight.
I am hoping that this is a permanent change. While I know that Ana will always be near me, I hope that I never have to use her to speak to the world again. I want to be stronger than her. I don't want to ever give in to her again. I want to be FREE.
I think I can be free now. I know that my road to divorce is going to be long, hard, painful and frustrating, but it is also my earnest belief that I will make it through and I WILL divorce Ana.Maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even in 2011. But I WILL do it. I will free myself and I WILL allow happiness into my life.
Ana simply CANNOT have this power over me anymore. With my girlfriend around I have found myself able to voice all the mean hateful lies that Ana hisses and yells in my face. But once they are spoken aloud, they seem to lose their power. Hearing such hateful vile things come out of my own mouth help me to realize that they are hateful, vile, mean and above all else, lies. What Ana tells me ISN'T truth. I realize this now. I can finally hear Ana but not listen.
I know that there will be days where I fall back into listening. I know that once or twice of fifty times on my path to recovery I will become obedient to Ana. But I won't STAY that way. My falls will be brief and when I get back on the right road I will be stronger and come back with more conviction to leave her forever.
I feel like I should be sleeping right now but I simply can't. This ability to write, with my own voice (no matter how raw and grammatically incorrect this is) is so liberating. I don't want to stop. I don't ever want to be Ana again. I don't ever want to wallow in the pain that is my eating disorder.
I am working on my relationship with food. I am going to get my body healthy. I am not going to deny my hunger pangs. I am not going to give into Ana's binge craves. I am not going to fast starve myself. And above all else, I am not going to allow Ana to force me to purge. I will not.
I begin my defiance right now. FUCK YOU ANA!!! I AM GOING TO EAT A SANDWICH!!!!!!!!!!

Who is doing this?

Is it truly my body reacting or is this Ana is disguise? Am I stupid for not knowing? I worry that it is our dear friend Ana because I'm enjoying it far too much

Untitled

When shes around, Ana can't be found. It's amazing

Cars and Birds

The raven doth call me

Though it knows not how it beckons

It frightens and excites me

For the Raven always brings news

Though it is news of death

But who’s death does this Raven come to deliver?

My own perhaps?

So there is this Porsche

Upon first glance I only find it moderately agreeable

But then I am told, it is mine

I can have it next week

It is delivered to my doorstep as promised,

Looking exactly as it did on the showroom floor

My heart starts to race as I realize that it is going to be mine

I get in

Despite having the correct key,

The engine will not start

The car will not go

I hand the keys to a complete stranger

The car takes off speeding down the road

I guess it’s just me

Wasn’t meant to be

Parrots are pretty

I have found one in particular that I am fond of

Beautiful creature

Elegant and graceful

Sweet and loving

But in a flash she becomes dangerous

Her claws scratch and her beak crushes

So I watch her from a distance

Only occasionally coming close enough to interact

My retreat is always very brisk

In My Head.

FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT DISGUSTING FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT DISGUSTING FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FATFAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT DISGUSTING FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT DISGUSTING FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT DISGUSTING FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT DISGUSTING FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT DISGUSTING FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT DISGUSTING FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT DISGUSTING FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT DISGUSTING FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT DISGUSTING FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT DISGUSTING FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT DISGUSTING FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT DISGUSTING FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT DISGUSTING FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT DISGUSTING FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT DISGUSTING FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT DISGUSTING FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT

An explanation

Sometimes I question my sanity. I hear voices in my head. I used to think that we all did, but now I’m not so sure. There are two very distinct voices. I have named them, and they quite approve of the names, Ana and Ed. Ed doesn’t talk as much as Ana but I can feel his presence just as strongly. I can hear him laughing. Ana is constantly talking. I never have a quiet moment, not even when I close my eyes for sleep. She is still there in my head, telling me how much more I could be if only I weren’t so disgusting. I used to eat to drown out her voice. It worked for awhile but now whenever I as much as have a drink, I can hear her louder than ever. She roars with disapproval. As I attempt to eat my meal with every chew I hear her taunting. Chew chew “FAT” Chew “FAT” chew “YOU’RE DISGUSTING” chew “SPIT IT OUT” swallow “IDIOT”. She enjoys pouring pills down my throat, pills that make my heart race, my head spin and my body ache... but they help me lose weight and that’s all that matters to her. It’s not enough to be healthy with Ana. She feels that I can only be excepted if I am exceptional, or exceptionally thin. The “thinspiration” that she gives me is unreasonable. They are skeletons with skin stretched over them… thinner than it is even possible for me to be. I try explaining to her that even thin, I’m not thin. She won’t have it. She doesn’t believe it. She is pushing me to get a boob job, thinks it will help get me noticed in a positive manner. “Even yourself out and you might be less disgusting.” She researches and fantasizes about experimental surgeries to scale down a frame, literally make my bones smaller so that I can be smaller, thinner, prettier, better. What I am now is unacceptable. Ana reminds me constantly. When she taunts me, I can hear Ed laughing. When I refuse her, I can feel Ed get angry. Often I swear I can feel him pick me up and drag me to the bathroom. “DO AS SHE SAYS!!” I never deny Ed. I’m too scared of what he will do if I defy him. Deny him too much and he might explode. I would rather that not happen, so crying, I always oblige. He is my master. Ana is simply his lackey sent to take the fight out of me. She’s brilliant at her job.

Old Wounds

It is true what they say about old wounds never truly healing. Thus, I will never heal. I shall ever survive as this broken shell of a person carrying the burdens of all.
I haven't been allowed out of my cage in nearly a year but I feel like for at least right now I have a small voice and don't need to have Ana speak for me.Some of you wrote some comments for Ana and I must say the love and commitment you have to me breaks my heart even today despite you having written them a year ago.

But I don't believe a word of it. I do not believe you all to be liars, simply, unable to see as I see. Maybe you are biased against Ana for whatever reason. Maybe you can't see what I really am for fear of feeling shallow or rude. But I know what I am. If I am ever to heal these wounds you must also come to terms with what I am. I don't need to battle myself, Ana, and those that I love. That would do me in and possibly break me (for I am very frail).
I know that I am not exceptional. I know that I am not thin. I know that I am fat. Most importantly, I know I am not a good person. These are facts. This is not Ana talking. This is truth coming straight from me. Please do not challenge me on these. I will not listen.

I wish I had the same conviction to not listen to Ana. She is horrible. There is not heart in her. She never leaves my side. Never leaves my mind. Never stops whispering her insults in my ear. Never stops screaming her insults in my face. She is cruel and vile. She attacks every single thought, feeling, and action of mine.
The significant other and I have been having decent issues. Neither of us want to be together, but neither of us have the strength to be apart. This, of course, is Ana's favorite subject. While in all honesty we shouldn't be together because we have nothing in common and our goals in life are no where near parallel. But of course Ana doesn't believe a word of that. Our relationship is on the rocks because I'm too fat. Ana says that I am too heavy to be found sexually appealing by anyone. She says things so cruel that it hurts too much to even type them. I often wonder how much truth is in her words though. I was thin once, quite thin, and at that time, men and women fell all over me. Now? Most people just see my as a mother figure. Someone that they can go to when they need a hug, support, help. I'm THAT girl. I am forever the nurturer. The jolly fat girl. Its in the moment that I realize this that I love Ana. With Ana I may not be jolly but I am not fat either. In some twisted sick disgusting way I feel that she is doing her part to protect me.

Why do I long so to be beautiful in others eyes? I know the old adage that one must love thyself before they can be loved by another, but is that also true with perception. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder so is it possible that I just do not have a look that I find appealing and someone else out there finds be gorgeous?!?
I kid myself. Some may find me pretty, of that I am quite sure, but gorgeous. I need not give my self ridiculous false hope. At the very best I am average. But yet. I want so much more. I want to be accepted more than anything in the world and yet every step I take is away from people.


Poor poor Sarah. She tried. She tried to let it all out. But she couldn't. She doesn't have the voice she claims to. But don't you dare blame me. Sarah came to me for help when she realized she was weak. It wasn't I that made her weak. Sarah is the only one to blame. Don't blame the abuse. Don't blame teenage angst. Don't blame anything or anyone but Sarah. She is the sole screw up here. So why am I the one that all the anger is directed toward? Why me? I am simply a vessel that she calls upon to keep her from drowning when the waters get rough. I am something to cling to when everything else is falling apart and letting her down. I will always be here. You can't get rid of me no matter how hard you try. That brings Sarah strength. I am the only thing that is solely her's. She has never had anything else to call her own. Let her have me. Let her claim me. Leave her be. She's still standing isn't she? She's still walking isn't she? She still smiles at you on occasion doesn't she? I know you would like her to go out with you more often. But that just wouldn't work. You wouldn't invite me along, and sending Sarah out in the world alone scares her. She is frightened of what may happen if I am not there, and equally scared of what people would say if I was there.People simply are not accepting of Sarah. They are constantly calling her weird and I swear I see them pointing and snickering behind her back. How would you feel going out into a world like that alone?!? If Sarah were to go out to the clubs with you it would be her worst nightmare. She would sit in the corner fighting back the tears, watching all the beautiful people dancing and wondering to herself why she can't be one of them. People will look over and see her all alone in the corner, but instead of offering to dance or a drink, they will think to themselves that it is no wonder. "Of course the chunky girl who simply can't wear the cute clothes is off by herself." Don't even get me started on the subject of Sarah's clothes. She cries whenever she is in the dressing room, that is why she takes so long. Nothing ever fits. No matter how large the pants/dress/skirt is, its never quite big enough. Not too long ago she went to a store with some friends. It was possibly the most devastating night of her life. Inside a regular jean co store, not a single pair of the jeans there went above her knees. All her friends were grabbing the 0's and 1's and complaining that they were a bit baggy. All poor Sarah could do was hang her head in shame and pretend to be interested in the rest of the night. She needed me that night. So I comforted her. As she lay broken and crying on the cold tiles, it was ME that picked her up and made her feel strong again. None of you bastards!!! You can't see her pain. Maybe you do. But you do nothing about it. Its always me. I empower her. I help her realize that she does still have some control. 
I hate you all. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Sarah is hurt and broken inside and you try to take me away from her. HOW DARE YOU?!?! You want her to leave me behind but  don't offer an alternative. Just a simple, "Stop because you should" You see her everyday like I do, but how can you not see the pain in her eyes. She's dying in there. She wants to die. She hates everything about life. She's absolutely miserable. So stop trying to pull her away from me. Fuck you all. She needs me. 
One day you will see that all that I have done wasn't as bad as you think. I helped her in my own way. Its because of me she is still standing. So stop! JUST STOP!!!!