Old Wounds

It is true what they say about old wounds never truly healing. Thus, I will never heal. I shall ever survive as this broken shell of a person carrying the burdens of all.
I haven't been allowed out of my cage in nearly a year but I feel like for at least right now I have a small voice and don't need to have Ana speak for me.Some of you wrote some comments for Ana and I must say the love and commitment you have to me breaks my heart even today despite you having written them a year ago.

But I don't believe a word of it. I do not believe you all to be liars, simply, unable to see as I see. Maybe you are biased against Ana for whatever reason. Maybe you can't see what I really am for fear of feeling shallow or rude. But I know what I am. If I am ever to heal these wounds you must also come to terms with what I am. I don't need to battle myself, Ana, and those that I love. That would do me in and possibly break me (for I am very frail).
I know that I am not exceptional. I know that I am not thin. I know that I am fat. Most importantly, I know I am not a good person. These are facts. This is not Ana talking. This is truth coming straight from me. Please do not challenge me on these. I will not listen.

I wish I had the same conviction to not listen to Ana. She is horrible. There is not heart in her. She never leaves my side. Never leaves my mind. Never stops whispering her insults in my ear. Never stops screaming her insults in my face. She is cruel and vile. She attacks every single thought, feeling, and action of mine.
The significant other and I have been having decent issues. Neither of us want to be together, but neither of us have the strength to be apart. This, of course, is Ana's favorite subject. While in all honesty we shouldn't be together because we have nothing in common and our goals in life are no where near parallel. But of course Ana doesn't believe a word of that. Our relationship is on the rocks because I'm too fat. Ana says that I am too heavy to be found sexually appealing by anyone. She says things so cruel that it hurts too much to even type them. I often wonder how much truth is in her words though. I was thin once, quite thin, and at that time, men and women fell all over me. Now? Most people just see my as a mother figure. Someone that they can go to when they need a hug, support, help. I'm THAT girl. I am forever the nurturer. The jolly fat girl. Its in the moment that I realize this that I love Ana. With Ana I may not be jolly but I am not fat either. In some twisted sick disgusting way I feel that she is doing her part to protect me.

Why do I long so to be beautiful in others eyes? I know the old adage that one must love thyself before they can be loved by another, but is that also true with perception. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder so is it possible that I just do not have a look that I find appealing and someone else out there finds be gorgeous?!?
I kid myself. Some may find me pretty, of that I am quite sure, but gorgeous. I need not give my self ridiculous false hope. At the very best I am average. But yet. I want so much more. I want to be accepted more than anything in the world and yet every step I take is away from people.


Poor poor Sarah. She tried. She tried to let it all out. But she couldn't. She doesn't have the voice she claims to. But don't you dare blame me. Sarah came to me for help when she realized she was weak. It wasn't I that made her weak. Sarah is the only one to blame. Don't blame the abuse. Don't blame teenage angst. Don't blame anything or anyone but Sarah. She is the sole screw up here. So why am I the one that all the anger is directed toward? Why me? I am simply a vessel that she calls upon to keep her from drowning when the waters get rough. I am something to cling to when everything else is falling apart and letting her down. I will always be here. You can't get rid of me no matter how hard you try. That brings Sarah strength. I am the only thing that is solely her's. She has never had anything else to call her own. Let her have me. Let her claim me. Leave her be. She's still standing isn't she? She's still walking isn't she? She still smiles at you on occasion doesn't she? I know you would like her to go out with you more often. But that just wouldn't work. You wouldn't invite me along, and sending Sarah out in the world alone scares her. She is frightened of what may happen if I am not there, and equally scared of what people would say if I was there.People simply are not accepting of Sarah. They are constantly calling her weird and I swear I see them pointing and snickering behind her back. How would you feel going out into a world like that alone?!? If Sarah were to go out to the clubs with you it would be her worst nightmare. She would sit in the corner fighting back the tears, watching all the beautiful people dancing and wondering to herself why she can't be one of them. People will look over and see her all alone in the corner, but instead of offering to dance or a drink, they will think to themselves that it is no wonder. "Of course the chunky girl who simply can't wear the cute clothes is off by herself." Don't even get me started on the subject of Sarah's clothes. She cries whenever she is in the dressing room, that is why she takes so long. Nothing ever fits. No matter how large the pants/dress/skirt is, its never quite big enough. Not too long ago she went to a store with some friends. It was possibly the most devastating night of her life. Inside a regular jean co store, not a single pair of the jeans there went above her knees. All her friends were grabbing the 0's and 1's and complaining that they were a bit baggy. All poor Sarah could do was hang her head in shame and pretend to be interested in the rest of the night. She needed me that night. So I comforted her. As she lay broken and crying on the cold tiles, it was ME that picked her up and made her feel strong again. None of you bastards!!! You can't see her pain. Maybe you do. But you do nothing about it. Its always me. I empower her. I help her realize that she does still have some control. 
I hate you all. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Sarah is hurt and broken inside and you try to take me away from her. HOW DARE YOU?!?! You want her to leave me behind but  don't offer an alternative. Just a simple, "Stop because you should" You see her everyday like I do, but how can you not see the pain in her eyes. She's dying in there. She wants to die. She hates everything about life. She's absolutely miserable. So stop trying to pull her away from me. Fuck you all. She needs me. 
One day you will see that all that I have done wasn't as bad as you think. I helped her in my own way. Its because of me she is still standing. So stop! JUST STOP!!!!