An explanation

Sometimes I question my sanity. I hear voices in my head. I used to think that we all did, but now I’m not so sure. There are two very distinct voices. I have named them, and they quite approve of the names, Ana and Ed. Ed doesn’t talk as much as Ana but I can feel his presence just as strongly. I can hear him laughing. Ana is constantly talking. I never have a quiet moment, not even when I close my eyes for sleep. She is still there in my head, telling me how much more I could be if only I weren’t so disgusting. I used to eat to drown out her voice. It worked for awhile but now whenever I as much as have a drink, I can hear her louder than ever. She roars with disapproval. As I attempt to eat my meal with every chew I hear her taunting. Chew chew “FAT” Chew “FAT” chew “YOU’RE DISGUSTING” chew “SPIT IT OUT” swallow “IDIOT”. She enjoys pouring pills down my throat, pills that make my heart race, my head spin and my body ache... but they help me lose weight and that’s all that matters to her. It’s not enough to be healthy with Ana. She feels that I can only be excepted if I am exceptional, or exceptionally thin. The “thinspiration” that she gives me is unreasonable. They are skeletons with skin stretched over them… thinner than it is even possible for me to be. I try explaining to her that even thin, I’m not thin. She won’t have it. She doesn’t believe it. She is pushing me to get a boob job, thinks it will help get me noticed in a positive manner. “Even yourself out and you might be less disgusting.” She researches and fantasizes about experimental surgeries to scale down a frame, literally make my bones smaller so that I can be smaller, thinner, prettier, better. What I am now is unacceptable. Ana reminds me constantly. When she taunts me, I can hear Ed laughing. When I refuse her, I can feel Ed get angry. Often I swear I can feel him pick me up and drag me to the bathroom. “DO AS SHE SAYS!!” I never deny Ed. I’m too scared of what he will do if I defy him. Deny him too much and he might explode. I would rather that not happen, so crying, I always oblige. He is my master. Ana is simply his lackey sent to take the fight out of me. She’s brilliant at her job.