In My Head.

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An explanation

Sometimes I question my sanity. I hear voices in my head. I used to think that we all did, but now I’m not so sure. There are two very distinct voices. I have named them, and they quite approve of the names, Ana and Ed. Ed doesn’t talk as much as Ana but I can feel his presence just as strongly. I can hear him laughing. Ana is constantly talking. I never have a quiet moment, not even when I close my eyes for sleep. She is still there in my head, telling me how much more I could be if only I weren’t so disgusting. I used to eat to drown out her voice. It worked for awhile but now whenever I as much as have a drink, I can hear her louder than ever. She roars with disapproval. As I attempt to eat my meal with every chew I hear her taunting. Chew chew “FAT” Chew “FAT” chew “YOU’RE DISGUSTING” chew “SPIT IT OUT” swallow “IDIOT”. She enjoys pouring pills down my throat, pills that make my heart race, my head spin and my body ache... but they help me lose weight and that’s all that matters to her. It’s not enough to be healthy with Ana. She feels that I can only be excepted if I am exceptional, or exceptionally thin. The “thinspiration” that she gives me is unreasonable. They are skeletons with skin stretched over them… thinner than it is even possible for me to be. I try explaining to her that even thin, I’m not thin. She won’t have it. She doesn’t believe it. She is pushing me to get a boob job, thinks it will help get me noticed in a positive manner. “Even yourself out and you might be less disgusting.” She researches and fantasizes about experimental surgeries to scale down a frame, literally make my bones smaller so that I can be smaller, thinner, prettier, better. What I am now is unacceptable. Ana reminds me constantly. When she taunts me, I can hear Ed laughing. When I refuse her, I can feel Ed get angry. Often I swear I can feel him pick me up and drag me to the bathroom. “DO AS SHE SAYS!!” I never deny Ed. I’m too scared of what he will do if I defy him. Deny him too much and he might explode. I would rather that not happen, so crying, I always oblige. He is my master. Ana is simply his lackey sent to take the fight out of me. She’s brilliant at her job.

Old Wounds

It is true what they say about old wounds never truly healing. Thus, I will never heal. I shall ever survive as this broken shell of a person carrying the burdens of all.
I haven't been allowed out of my cage in nearly a year but I feel like for at least right now I have a small voice and don't need to have Ana speak for me.Some of you wrote some comments for Ana and I must say the love and commitment you have to me breaks my heart even today despite you having written them a year ago.

But I don't believe a word of it. I do not believe you all to be liars, simply, unable to see as I see. Maybe you are biased against Ana for whatever reason. Maybe you can't see what I really am for fear of feeling shallow or rude. But I know what I am. If I am ever to heal these wounds you must also come to terms with what I am. I don't need to battle myself, Ana, and those that I love. That would do me in and possibly break me (for I am very frail).
I know that I am not exceptional. I know that I am not thin. I know that I am fat. Most importantly, I know I am not a good person. These are facts. This is not Ana talking. This is truth coming straight from me. Please do not challenge me on these. I will not listen.

I wish I had the same conviction to not listen to Ana. She is horrible. There is not heart in her. She never leaves my side. Never leaves my mind. Never stops whispering her insults in my ear. Never stops screaming her insults in my face. She is cruel and vile. She attacks every single thought, feeling, and action of mine.
The significant other and I have been having decent issues. Neither of us want to be together, but neither of us have the strength to be apart. This, of course, is Ana's favorite subject. While in all honesty we shouldn't be together because we have nothing in common and our goals in life are no where near parallel. But of course Ana doesn't believe a word of that. Our relationship is on the rocks because I'm too fat. Ana says that I am too heavy to be found sexually appealing by anyone. She says things so cruel that it hurts too much to even type them. I often wonder how much truth is in her words though. I was thin once, quite thin, and at that time, men and women fell all over me. Now? Most people just see my as a mother figure. Someone that they can go to when they need a hug, support, help. I'm THAT girl. I am forever the nurturer. The jolly fat girl. Its in the moment that I realize this that I love Ana. With Ana I may not be jolly but I am not fat either. In some twisted sick disgusting way I feel that she is doing her part to protect me.

Why do I long so to be beautiful in others eyes? I know the old adage that one must love thyself before they can be loved by another, but is that also true with perception. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder so is it possible that I just do not have a look that I find appealing and someone else out there finds be gorgeous?!?
I kid myself. Some may find me pretty, of that I am quite sure, but gorgeous. I need not give my self ridiculous false hope. At the very best I am average. But yet. I want so much more. I want to be accepted more than anything in the world and yet every step I take is away from people.


Poor poor Sarah. She tried. She tried to let it all out. But she couldn't. She doesn't have the voice she claims to. But don't you dare blame me. Sarah came to me for help when she realized she was weak. It wasn't I that made her weak. Sarah is the only one to blame. Don't blame the abuse. Don't blame teenage angst. Don't blame anything or anyone but Sarah. She is the sole screw up here. So why am I the one that all the anger is directed toward? Why me? I am simply a vessel that she calls upon to keep her from drowning when the waters get rough. I am something to cling to when everything else is falling apart and letting her down. I will always be here. You can't get rid of me no matter how hard you try. That brings Sarah strength. I am the only thing that is solely her's. She has never had anything else to call her own. Let her have me. Let her claim me. Leave her be. She's still standing isn't she? She's still walking isn't she? She still smiles at you on occasion doesn't she? I know you would like her to go out with you more often. But that just wouldn't work. You wouldn't invite me along, and sending Sarah out in the world alone scares her. She is frightened of what may happen if I am not there, and equally scared of what people would say if I was there.People simply are not accepting of Sarah. They are constantly calling her weird and I swear I see them pointing and snickering behind her back. How would you feel going out into a world like that alone?!? If Sarah were to go out to the clubs with you it would be her worst nightmare. She would sit in the corner fighting back the tears, watching all the beautiful people dancing and wondering to herself why she can't be one of them. People will look over and see her all alone in the corner, but instead of offering to dance or a drink, they will think to themselves that it is no wonder. "Of course the chunky girl who simply can't wear the cute clothes is off by herself." Don't even get me started on the subject of Sarah's clothes. She cries whenever she is in the dressing room, that is why she takes so long. Nothing ever fits. No matter how large the pants/dress/skirt is, its never quite big enough. Not too long ago she went to a store with some friends. It was possibly the most devastating night of her life. Inside a regular jean co store, not a single pair of the jeans there went above her knees. All her friends were grabbing the 0's and 1's and complaining that they were a bit baggy. All poor Sarah could do was hang her head in shame and pretend to be interested in the rest of the night. She needed me that night. So I comforted her. As she lay broken and crying on the cold tiles, it was ME that picked her up and made her feel strong again. None of you bastards!!! You can't see her pain. Maybe you do. But you do nothing about it. Its always me. I empower her. I help her realize that she does still have some control. 
I hate you all. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Sarah is hurt and broken inside and you try to take me away from her. HOW DARE YOU?!?! You want her to leave me behind but  don't offer an alternative. Just a simple, "Stop because you should" You see her everyday like I do, but how can you not see the pain in her eyes. She's dying in there. She wants to die. She hates everything about life. She's absolutely miserable. So stop trying to pull her away from me. Fuck you all. She needs me. 
One day you will see that all that I have done wasn't as bad as you think. I helped her in my own way. Its because of me she is still standing. So stop! JUST STOP!!!! 

She finally let me come home

Sometimes Sarah can be so stubborn. I'm sure she knows I am only here to do her good. But still she denies me. Refuses to listen to my advice.
She let me come home last night finally though. Opened her arms to me once again. She needs me now more than ever. Despite her happy exterior I know she is falling apart. I'd be surprised to see her stand on her own for another week. I see the pain. But she hides it from the world so well.
Sarah has finally figured out that she needs to change. Her weight is ruining her life. She denied me because she thought I would make her unhealthy. But have you seen her lately?!?! She can't even play with her dog without her heart pounding and becoming short of breathe. Thats really healthy isn't it? But she's ruining her social life too. No one wants to make friends with the fat chick. They take one look at her and sneer in disgust. "Look at this girl. She has no self-respect. Or self-discipline. How disgusting!"
I hope Sarah learns to listen to me. And fast. She has an audition soon. But who will hire the fat chick? Especially not for a performing role. Lets not pretend for even a second that a fat girl can have a role in entertainment... Unless she's playing the unflattering fat friend

Oh how stubborn Sarah is

I have been trying with her. I really have. But she doesn't really take in anything I say. She has an audition tomorrow. A DANCE audition. Do you think they want a girl like her? Oh no. They'll want the girl with the same (or even lesser) talent who looks the part better. But still Sarah doesn't listen to me. Stupid girl. If she won't follow my diet plan than at least she should follow Ed's exercise plan. Yes, it is extreme. But thats what she needs. Lets send her to the gym. Lock her in for hours. I want to see abs in under a month. I will except nothing less. If she fails in this, well, she fails. You don't want to see my plans for her. So she has until November 16th to lose.... lets say... 20 pounds. More shall be rewarded. Less... is UNACCEPTABLE

Hints from Ana

Hi again everyone!!! Just thought I'd give some of my new friends hints on how to keep healthy. (See, I''m not a horrible person!)

When you throw up, don't use your finger. Especially if you have long nails. You will end up tearing into the back of your throat and ruining your nails as well. Use something like a toothbrush instead. And of course, make sure that it has a nice rounded end instead of the squared off kind, seeing as the corners will cut your throat.

After you have thrown up, DON'T  brush your teeth. Now I know that the taste in your mouth is not a pleasant one, but trust me on this one. Brushing your teeth grounds all the acids into your teeth and causes them to break down and decay. Instead drink lots of water to rinse the acid off and if the flavor is too much, try chewing gum or having a few mints. (make sure that they are sugar free)

Sugar free gum is also a great way to alleviate those hunger pains. Chewing tricks your mind into thinking that you are eating and  as long as it is sugar free, at most you are only consuming about 5 calories

Change in power

Hi everyone! This is Ana. Sarah isn't allowed to talk to anyone anymore. We put her in control for awhile, but you all see how that crashed and burned. Its like she never heard anything that me and Ed tried telling her. She should have listened. But she didn't and now she has lost the most important part of her life. But that's ok. Me and my daddy Ed are going to make it all better. We have completely taken over the weak little creature you know as Sarah. Tell her goodbye now. She won't be out to play for a very long time, that is if we ever let her back out. Why should we? She is irresponsible. Can't handle the most simple of things. She needs us here to take care of her. Put her back where she needs to be. She will smile again with my help. She will be beautiful again with my help. And most importantly of all, she we will be wanted again now that I am the one in charge again.


To those of you who know me, I am sure you don't like me. But I don't care. Sarah left me in charge. You can't change that. So don't you dare try to change things or get in my way. The only person you will be hurting is Sarah. And I don't think anyone wants that.