She finally let me come home

Sometimes Sarah can be so stubborn. I'm sure she knows I am only here to do her good. But still she denies me. Refuses to listen to my advice.
She let me come home last night finally though. Opened her arms to me once again. She needs me now more than ever. Despite her happy exterior I know she is falling apart. I'd be surprised to see her stand on her own for another week. I see the pain. But she hides it from the world so well.
Sarah has finally figured out that she needs to change. Her weight is ruining her life. She denied me because she thought I would make her unhealthy. But have you seen her lately?!?! She can't even play with her dog without her heart pounding and becoming short of breathe. Thats really healthy isn't it? But she's ruining her social life too. No one wants to make friends with the fat chick. They take one look at her and sneer in disgust. "Look at this girl. She has no self-respect. Or self-discipline. How disgusting!"
I hope Sarah learns to listen to me. And fast. She has an audition soon. But who will hire the fat chick? Especially not for a performing role. Lets not pretend for even a second that a fat girl can have a role in entertainment... Unless she's playing the unflattering fat friend

Oh how stubborn Sarah is

I have been trying with her. I really have. But she doesn't really take in anything I say. She has an audition tomorrow. A DANCE audition. Do you think they want a girl like her? Oh no. They'll want the girl with the same (or even lesser) talent who looks the part better. But still Sarah doesn't listen to me. Stupid girl. If she won't follow my diet plan than at least she should follow Ed's exercise plan. Yes, it is extreme. But thats what she needs. Lets send her to the gym. Lock her in for hours. I want to see abs in under a month. I will except nothing less. If she fails in this, well, she fails. You don't want to see my plans for her. So she has until November 16th to lose.... lets say... 20 pounds. More shall be rewarded. Less... is UNACCEPTABLE

Hints from Ana

Hi again everyone!!! Just thought I'd give some of my new friends hints on how to keep healthy. (See, I''m not a horrible person!)

When you throw up, don't use your finger. Especially if you have long nails. You will end up tearing into the back of your throat and ruining your nails as well. Use something like a toothbrush instead. And of course, make sure that it has a nice rounded end instead of the squared off kind, seeing as the corners will cut your throat.

After you have thrown up, DON'T  brush your teeth. Now I know that the taste in your mouth is not a pleasant one, but trust me on this one. Brushing your teeth grounds all the acids into your teeth and causes them to break down and decay. Instead drink lots of water to rinse the acid off and if the flavor is too much, try chewing gum or having a few mints. (make sure that they are sugar free)

Sugar free gum is also a great way to alleviate those hunger pains. Chewing tricks your mind into thinking that you are eating and  as long as it is sugar free, at most you are only consuming about 5 calories

Change in power

Hi everyone! This is Ana. Sarah isn't allowed to talk to anyone anymore. We put her in control for awhile, but you all see how that crashed and burned. Its like she never heard anything that me and Ed tried telling her. She should have listened. But she didn't and now she has lost the most important part of her life. But that's ok. Me and my daddy Ed are going to make it all better. We have completely taken over the weak little creature you know as Sarah. Tell her goodbye now. She won't be out to play for a very long time, that is if we ever let her back out. Why should we? She is irresponsible. Can't handle the most simple of things. She needs us here to take care of her. Put her back where she needs to be. She will smile again with my help. She will be beautiful again with my help. And most importantly of all, she we will be wanted again now that I am the one in charge again.


To those of you who know me, I am sure you don't like me. But I don't care. Sarah left me in charge. You can't change that. So don't you dare try to change things or get in my way. The only person you will be hurting is Sarah. And I don't think anyone wants that.

Going Veggie

Yup. Thats right. No more meat. AGAIN! Its totally a weight loss thing. I don't give two fucks about the animals. I'd kill them myself.
Meat contains so much fat. And it sits in your stomach for days!!!!
Vegetables are high in fiber. Fiber helps regulate your digestive system. So less IN my body. Lower weight...


Is it wrong that I am going vegetarian for WEIGHT issues?!?! For ED! Its such a huge movement right now but I just don't care.

Better isn't always better

I'm eating like I technically should. Three meals and two snacks a day. Very low sugar. Plenty of vegetables. No junk food.. No throwing up. No laxatives. No fasting..... Sounds like it should be a good thing right?

Well its not. Its not been a good thing for me at all. My body has been sluggish as it tries to accommodate the food. I've been feeling nauseous constantly. As my throat heals it swells and makes swallowing nearly impossible. And the worst part? I've gained nearly 15 pounds. Technically one five since I had lost 10.. BUT DAMN! I'm not supposed to be GAINING weight

I want to go back to the old ways. I want to be in my relationship with ana.

I tried.. I promise

I tried to do right. I tried to be healthy. I got up this morning and fixed my father and I a big breakfast. Now I didn't gorge myself. Instead I ate a decent amount of a well rounded meal. I felt okay about it. I wasn't freaking out or upset. I had no intention of purging. And then she got a hold of me.
My girlfriend decided she didn't want to see me this weekend. She won't give me any reason. Just that she doesn't want to see me. She has "no desire to" and that she doesn't know when she'll want to again. Very few things have ever hurt so much.
My initial thoughts are that she doesn't wish to see me anymore because she no longer wants me.
But then... How could she? I am disgusting!
Crying I dragged myself to the bathroom, I was reintroduced to my egg and my peaches. The cranberry juice burned so badly coming back up.
It all burns
The scars on my throat being opened back up.
I can hardly swallow for hours after.
I start to see blood sometimes. I guess the toothbrush is cutting into the back of my throat

Coughing and crying I emerge from the bathroom. Feeling less attractive then before. Why have I done this? If she knew she would hate me. How could she kiss me knowing I had just vomited? How could anyone?

What am I doing?

Maybe this blog in and of itself is destructive. Maybe I should forget the idea. Maybe I should go back to the doctor for help. Maybe I should. But I won't.
This blog will contain no pictures.Nor will it contain my weight, neither present, past, not future.
It is more intended to help me vent. To put it out there for anyone who will read it. Maybe possibly one day to find the courage to say I don't want to be in the relationship anymore. Maybe one day. But not today....

Today started horribly. My body was aching. My throat swollen. My head throbbing. My shivers shook me right to the bone, even though my house was about eighty degrees. I have only fallen back into my old ways for a week now. And yet. They already have a strong hold on me.

I order a pizza to binge on, but I don't eat the crust because the crust won't come up as easy.

My dad makes red beans and rice. I don't take any rice. The soupy concoction will hurt less.
**Note: Don't ever throw up Cajun food! EVER! All the spices burn like a bitch and will leave you coughing**

I only eat one meal a day. And that one meal is just so someone sees me eat. Then I eliminate that food from my system.

I have no idea why I am doing this. Why am I choosing a slow and painful death? Why am I choosing to hurt myself and others who watch me fall? Why am I choosing to deceive everyone who loves me? Why am I being so selfish?