Going Veggie

Yup. Thats right. No more meat. AGAIN! Its totally a weight loss thing. I don't give two fucks about the animals. I'd kill them myself.
Meat contains so much fat. And it sits in your stomach for days!!!!
Vegetables are high in fiber. Fiber helps regulate your digestive system. So less IN my body. Lower weight...


Is it wrong that I am going vegetarian for WEIGHT issues?!?! For ED! Its such a huge movement right now but I just don't care.

Better isn't always better

I'm eating like I technically should. Three meals and two snacks a day. Very low sugar. Plenty of vegetables. No junk food.. No throwing up. No laxatives. No fasting..... Sounds like it should be a good thing right?

Well its not. Its not been a good thing for me at all. My body has been sluggish as it tries to accommodate the food. I've been feeling nauseous constantly. As my throat heals it swells and makes swallowing nearly impossible. And the worst part? I've gained nearly 15 pounds. Technically one five since I had lost 10.. BUT DAMN! I'm not supposed to be GAINING weight

I want to go back to the old ways. I want to be in my relationship with ana.

I tried.. I promise

I tried to do right. I tried to be healthy. I got up this morning and fixed my father and I a big breakfast. Now I didn't gorge myself. Instead I ate a decent amount of a well rounded meal. I felt okay about it. I wasn't freaking out or upset. I had no intention of purging. And then she got a hold of me.
My girlfriend decided she didn't want to see me this weekend. She won't give me any reason. Just that she doesn't want to see me. She has "no desire to" and that she doesn't know when she'll want to again. Very few things have ever hurt so much.
My initial thoughts are that she doesn't wish to see me anymore because she no longer wants me.
But then... How could she? I am disgusting!
Crying I dragged myself to the bathroom, I was reintroduced to my egg and my peaches. The cranberry juice burned so badly coming back up.
It all burns
The scars on my throat being opened back up.
I can hardly swallow for hours after.
I start to see blood sometimes. I guess the toothbrush is cutting into the back of my throat

Coughing and crying I emerge from the bathroom. Feeling less attractive then before. Why have I done this? If she knew she would hate me. How could she kiss me knowing I had just vomited? How could anyone?

What am I doing?

Maybe this blog in and of itself is destructive. Maybe I should forget the idea. Maybe I should go back to the doctor for help. Maybe I should. But I won't.
This blog will contain no pictures.Nor will it contain my weight, neither present, past, not future.
It is more intended to help me vent. To put it out there for anyone who will read it. Maybe possibly one day to find the courage to say I don't want to be in the relationship anymore. Maybe one day. But not today....

Today started horribly. My body was aching. My throat swollen. My head throbbing. My shivers shook me right to the bone, even though my house was about eighty degrees. I have only fallen back into my old ways for a week now. And yet. They already have a strong hold on me.

I order a pizza to binge on, but I don't eat the crust because the crust won't come up as easy.

My dad makes red beans and rice. I don't take any rice. The soupy concoction will hurt less.
**Note: Don't ever throw up Cajun food! EVER! All the spices burn like a bitch and will leave you coughing**

I only eat one meal a day. And that one meal is just so someone sees me eat. Then I eliminate that food from my system.

I have no idea why I am doing this. Why am I choosing a slow and painful death? Why am I choosing to hurt myself and others who watch me fall? Why am I choosing to deceive everyone who loves me? Why am I being so selfish?