Dear Ana

Dear Ana,

                Where have you been? I don’t remember you leaving but I know that you are gone. I still feel your presence, though. There is a constant shadow of you around every corner. But not you. You’re not here. How long have you been gone? It feels like only yesterday you were here with me dominating my life but I can’t recall us having a conversation for many months now. Did you just get up and leave one day? Decide I didn’t need you anymore and walked away? Or was it more gradual than that? Did I slowly stop noticing and listening to you so you fell away into the background eventually to fade completely?

                But most importantly, are you coming back? Do you miss me? Do you miss our relationship? I didn’t miss you because I didn’t even realize you were gone. I have noticed now, however. I’m still not sure how I feel though. I haven’t decided if I miss you or not. I am happy now. Legitimately happy. It’s not dependent on a person or my surroundings, it’s not dependent on anything, it just is. Is it a coincidence that I am happy and you are finally out of my life or is it the reason?

                Which leads me to my next point: do I want you to come back? Would I allow you back in if you showed up? You gave me a sense of security and accomplishment. I was proud at times. You held me when I felt broken. Comforted me when I felt alone. You also kicked me when I was down. Made me do demeaning things. Screamed in my face. You shoved drugs down my throat. Tore open old wounds. Belittled me. You did everything that a controlling mean partner would do. You controlled me. I don’t want to go back there.

                I want you to see me now though. I don’t think you would be too unhappy with me right now. I’m still not where you wanted me, but I’m not too far off. I’m not dancing again, but I stay moving. I want to dance next term. I think I might take a dance class. I know you always loved it when I was dancing. My skin is clear, my eyes are bright, and my body is strong. I stay busy. People find me impressive. Perhaps their opinion of me physically is skewed by their awe of my abilities. I work more than full and am a full time student. My grades are high and I have the highest rank at work, with the exception of the owners. I’m doing very well. I hope that this would make you happy. I’ve always wanted to believe that you want what’s best for me; you and I just always wanted to accomplish the goals via very different means. Are you finally proud of me, Ana? I think I am starting to be proud of myself. It’s a new feeling and I am rather fond of it.

                Have you found someone new? I know that you have always known other girls, so I wonder if you have found a new relationship. Has a new girl allowed you, and your horrible mentor, to move in? I hope she’s stronger than me. I don’t hate you, Ana, but I hope she doesn’t stay with you. I hope she sees through you and all of your little sadistic games. No one deserves to be tied down to you the way I was. Putting a small thought into someone’s head on occasion could potentially be beneficial to them, but you like to yell. You like to scream. You like to force. That doesn’t help anyone but you. You’ve always been selfish.

This letter has already been long enough. I’ve already allowed you to consume too much of my time. So I’m choosing to end our communication here and I doubt you and I shall ever hear each other again.

I wish you well in your solidarity,

Someone who is no longer yours

Seven short days

One measly week is all I have left standing between me and a rehab center. Seven days!!! That isn't much time at all. I need more time. Hell, I need eternity. I don't want to go. Ana is screaming in my ear that I don't need to go. I'm not in a relationship with her anymore. I am in perfect health. I am fine. Fine fine fine fine fine... I am always fine. Fucking fine. Never anything wrong here. I am the picture of perfection. FINE FINE FINE!!!
I don't need to go to an eating disorder clinic. I don't have an eating disorder. I HAD an eating disorder. I was underweight. I WAS sickly. Not now. Now anymore. Last time I did blood work the doctors seemed impressed with how healthy I was. HEALTHY! I am fucking healthy!!! I'm not sick I'm not sick I'm not sick I'm not sick!!! I will be 3x the size of some of those girls. Who the fuck is going to come visit me?!?! Not MY family. Maybe me ex's family. MAYBE. I'm too far away. Visiting hours are too late. Will anyone actually call to talk to me other than my new mom? Will anyone write me? About a million people have said they will, but will they? I doubt it. People forget what is not in front of their face. I will be gone a month. I fear being forgotten.

When I get home. All the shit will still be there for me to sort through. Nothing will be fixed. I will still need a car. Still need a place to live. Still need more money. I'm fucked

I can't do this anymore- a note to Tigerlilly

I can't. I am simply not strong enough to do this! Not without you. I doubt you still read this. In fact I am quite sure you don't. You don't seem to care anymore. But, I need you in my life. I don't think I am strong enough to be friends with you. But I need to be. You ARE my best friend and the only person I know who can bring me back to reality when it hurts this much. When the pain causes me to hide deep within myself. I am buried so deep in my own shit right now that I don't even know where I am anymore.
Maybe it would help if I got it all out, Told you how I feel. Let you know the damage you have done. Let myself be angry with you.

I FUCKING HATE YOU RIGHT NOW!!!!
I simply don't understand how you could do this to me. You lied to my face for weeks, you were so selfish. I don't understand why you couldn't be open and up front with me from the beginning. I feel betrayed and beaten by you. You told me you loved me. That you would love me forever. You promised me that you would always be there for me. Always be there to help me. Take care of me. YOU PROMISED ME. You said that what was wrong with me would never frighten you off. You promised me you wouldn't leave me because of it. My biggest fear was letting you in and letting myself be vulnerable, letting you know the truth, letting you see the pain. I didn't want to do that because I feared it would push you away. But you promised me time and again that you could see me and still love me and still want me. Another lie. You stopped wanting me as soon as the other girl came in the picture. You said you had admired her from afar long before her and I became friends. YOU FUCKING CUNT! Why wouldn't you say something?!!?! You told me you were madly in love with me and that I was the "best girlfriend in the world" mere DAYS before you decided you didn't want me anymore. WHAT THE FUCK??? We had the threesome, then you fucked her while I wasn't there. YOU FUCKED HER WHILE WE WERE STILL A COUPLE!!! You were still mine but you decided to fuck her. You should have told me right then that you didn't want to be with me anymore. Instead you went on and on about how hot it was and how much you wanted ME to fuck her. That you thought it was hot. You kept kissing my face and reassuring me that you were still mine and that if I asked you would lay off of her because you loved me!!!! You were mine! You kept saying over and over that you loved me. But I knew. I knew from the beginning. No one can love this mess. I should have known better. I shouldn't have let you in. I gave all of myself over to you. Surrendered myself completely. No one has never even come close to knowing me the way you do. You made me feel good and safe for the first time since I was a little girl of five or six. I felt safe and protected and comfort and loved when I was with you. Then that horrible morning, you said you didn't want me anymore. What changed?!?!?! You aid you couldn't be with me because you hadn't been happy in a long time. But you never said anything to me. You should have. It was selfish and cruel of you to continue on in the relationship knowing it wasn't going to last. And even more cruel and especially selfish to ask for a threesome when you knew our relationship was where it was. How could you do that to me? How?!?!? I don't understand. People don't do that to others that they love. So either you never really loved me, or you have lied somewhere along the way. I feel like you have to be lying. I don't understand you even a little bit right now. You couldn't be with you because I am in this relationship with Ana and you couldn't handle it. So you leave me to be with someone else who is in a relationship with Ana?? She drinks more than you care, she smokes pot, which you are against, she has her own load of fucked up shit to deal with. But she is better than me apparently. Do you think she is more beautiful than me? Is that it? Was the sex better? Or fuck, IS the sex better? I know her body is fucking amazing. More than mine is. What is it, Tigerlilly? What made her so much better than me? We are so much alike, she and I. Which is why this hurts so much. I don't even think you would be happy if you two did hook up. If I thought you would be happy, I could let go. But I'm being thrown away like yesterday's garbage and you aren't even going to be any happier because of it. It seems like an injustice.
I have been more miserable this past week than I ever have in my entire life.  When I saw the two of you sitting together at lunch the other day. I literally thought I was going to die. I apparently went pale and immediately was nauseous. I felt this intense pain that was unlike anything I have ever felt before. It made my migraines seem like a cake walk. I started to shake and I had to get out. Had to get away. But all I wanted was to come join the two of you. Come hug you and have you tell me everything was going to be ok. I did that for you didn't I? I held you while you whined about me being in the way of you ever having a relationship with her. I held you while you cried about hurting. I just held you. And I loved you.
But who the fuck is taking care of me!?!?! I need it more than either of you do right now! I don't have anywhere to live, I don't have the mental stability to stay at work, I have very little money, I AM ALONE! I lost my safety. I lost my best friend. And even though she has still been there for me. I feel like I lost my mom. I feel like I lost everything. And yet. I am alone. There is no one here to hold me to. To talk me through things. You are my best friend and you aren't here to reassure me. No one is. I miss you.

As much as it hurts, I honestly feel that I will do better with you in my life. You have taught me so much. Shown me so much. Loved me so much. I can't stand the thought of facing life without you. Its about to get really hard for me. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I want to baker act myself. I don't think I should be trusted. Please come back to me Tigerlilly. PLEASE! I need you. I know I can't have you the way I once did but I need you. I need someone who knows me to talk to. Someone who can see through my bullshit and get down to the meat. Someone who just knows. Someone I can be honest with. Despite everything, I still trust you more than anyone else. I really seriously feel like I need you. If you read this tonight, come to me. Please. I don't want to talk. Not really. I just need to be held. And no matter how much it hurts to be in your arms, I will feel safe, and I won't fear myself. I am a huge danger to me. I always have been.
I know this is hard for you too. But please, please, just come to me tonight. I trust your judgment. I trust you. I need someone I can trust and who really knows me to help me right now. Get me going in the right direction. I still love you. I will always love you. Please come

The monster rears its ugly head

There is the ever resounding call from within me. The call, the longing, the screaming to cause pain. I hurt someone I love last night. It didn't satisfy anything within me. It hurt me. Seeing the tears well up in her eyes, feeling her body tremble as she shook in her agony. It didn't make me feel any better. I felt like I was the monster, not just consumed by it. I let my words cut into her. I let my own selfishness pull her down.
But the monster is still here. Her pain has not silenced it. The monster is screaming for more pain. More destruction. She wants to hit closer to home this time though. The monster is directing her rage toward me now. She, it, wants to destroy me. Pull me down to the ground. Stomp on me. Spit on my broken and bruised body.
I am hurting. The monster's claws her digging into my flesh. Into my head. Into my mind. FEED ME!!! It screams. Feed my anger. Feed my rage. Feed me. And I will relax my hold on you. I will let you go. Make the hurt stop.....
So i feed the monster. I feed and I feed and I feed. And I FEED FEED FEED FEED!!!!! Feed far past the point of hunger. Feed til I'm numb. FEED FEED FEED! I will continue to feed until I feel the pain. PAIN PAIN PAIN
Thats what I want. Thats what I need. To feel the pain. I deserve to be hurting right now. I deserve nothing more. I have been selfish and rude and evil and I have lied. So many lies. So now? All I deserve is to hurt.

I don't want to hurt though. I want to be happy. I want to feel like a human. For the first time in fifteen years I want my smiles to last more than a moment. I want to be really happy. Truly happy. I haven't been happy since I was five. Whats wrong with me. Most people get depressed, yes. But not for fifteen to sixteen years. This is bullshit.

So I feed my pain. FEED FEED FEED IT!!!! Food shall cure. Food shall not stay with my body but for now, I will bury myself in it. Bury myself in the food. Let it numb me to the pain. NO MORE PAIN!! PLEASE

Monster inside

There is a monster inside of me; a vicious, conniving, back-stabbing monster. The monster has been there for as long as I can remember. I have always been strong enough to keep the monster caged. Caged somewhere deep inside where no one looking in can even glimpse it. But recent events have rendered me unable to continue to hold back the beast. It, she, has sprung forth from within and has not only decided to show herself but take over the true Sarah.

The monster is very charming, she knows how to work with false beauty. She knows how to be manipulative and cunning. She knows how to make people believe in her, help her and then she rips their beating heart right out their chests and tosses it to the dogs with a giggle.

This monster, my Ana, she is out to destroy. She is bent upon revenge and having everyone in Sarah's life be as hurt as Sarah is. She has no concept of human decency for she is not human, she is monster.

She uses Sarah to do her dirty work, she has no respect or responsibility for Sarah either. When the damage is done she will simply depart leaving Sarah alone to pick up all the pieces and face the blame alone. This is how monster Ana plays her game. She always win and everyone in her path loses.

Ana is very cryptic. She wants you to be clued in to the fact that she is up to something. But she doesn't want you to know what she has in mind. Knowing would allow you to prepare. Would allow you to save yourself from the heartache she has in store for you.

Ana can't have that.

She wants to see you cry because of her.

Its kind of her goal.

Ana is going to be hurting Sarah soon. She doesn't mind if you know that. She is so mad at Sarah for telling people about her. She had every intention of letting Sarah slide by with only cuts and bruises. Then Sarah decided to reach out for help and tell people about how hurtful and real Ana was. IS. Nothing has ever made Ana so angry. She hates Sarah with a passion. She wants Sarah dead. She has no compassion for Sarah's plight. She is out to destroy her. She allows Sarah to speak openly and honestly with doctors and specialists and managers and people posing as friends, and then she turns around and forces Sarah to purge her body after purging her mind. Every truth she tells, another instance of pain Ana will inflict upon Sarah.  Sarah finally reached out and went to a specialized eating disorder clinic, spilled everything that she has been thinking and feeling. She told the therapists there about the drugs she had taken to keep the edge off, about the cheap quick connections she was making with people so that even if only for a moment she could feel some physical comfort and pleasure. She told the therapist everything. But as Sarah left her session, before she ate dinner, she was accosted by Ana and obeyed. She ate only mere bites of the dinner prepared for her. She immediately went to the restroom after her pallet teaser and tasted her dinner a second time, only this time with a bit more acid and tears. She stood up, wiped her face, refused to look at herself in the mirror and took half a bottle of laxatives. Sarah is taking all the right steps to kill herself. Everything she is currently doing is in stark contrast with itself. She gets specialized help, just to go home and purge more than before. 

Sarah thought that she was ok to go out to eat with friends. She thought she could handle a buffet, it was Sweet Tomatoes, just salads for the most part. She could eat salad and feel ok about herself. She wouldn't need to purge. She would be able to laugh and smile and be ok. But Sarah is not as strong as she gives herself credit for. Or as strong as others give her credit for. She is damaged. And she is a good liar. People believe that she is ok and relax their watchful eyes. After all, she barely ate and what she did eat was salad. Why on Earth would she purge such a light meal? Clearly they can't hear Ana screaming in Sarah's face. 

Clearly they don't know

Clearly Sarah HAD to purge

Clearly Sarah should never be trusted

WHY!!!!!!!

Clearly Sarah is weak

Sarah excused herself. Went to the restroom. Purged herself. She felt light and free and ashamed and dirty and unlovable. No one could love someone with such a horrible disgusting addiction. She had to hide her shame. Had to hide her humiliation. Had to hide her weakness. But she didn't want to. She tried to tell someone. Tried telling them why she shouldn't be trusted. She tried. But her cryptic cries for help fell upon deaf ears. These are her friends. They trust her and they don't want to see a problem. They want to only see the happy smiling girl at their table making horribly racist and horribly funny jokes.

This third person narrator is too close to both Ana and Sarah. Her mind is racing and she can't make sense of it. She wants to tell you everything Ana and Sarah are doing. Wants to let you in and wants you to help Sarah. But she is scared of Ana. She knows Ana better than most, and she is scared of what Ana will do to Sarah if the truth is let out in its entirety. Someone notice Sarah, someone comfort her. Someone smack her. Someone force her to do whats right. Someone help her save herself. Help her vanquish Ana! HELP HER!!! Please. She can't do it alone, and thats how she feels right now. 

(Even though not necessarily rightly so)

At my weakest I feel strong...

... and at my strongest I feel weak and defeated.I have this feeling that that isn't how things are supposed to work.
Stomach flu-ish type things... my best friend and worse enemy. I thrive on exactly what stomach yucks bring me: purging. I have been having non-self induced bouts of nausea and vomiting.
My body was empty. Completely empty. Heaves would bring up nothing and I was passing only liquids in my stools. I was completely empty and on the verge of dehydration.
But was I feeling weak and defeated in my empty sick state?
NO! OF COURSE I WASN'T!
All I could think about was how amazing it was going to be to have a new fresh start with Ana with this empty purified stomach. How much easier fasting was going to be now that my stomach was already empty and I was past the stomach pains.
I was thinking how easy it would be to slip by and go unnoticed in my love affair. How much easier it would be for me to begin my laxative abuse again because my stomach had gotten used to the cramps again.
I was thinking, if I just reunite with Ana, I could be beautiful again. This time I would value it and hold on to it. Not give in just because someone asked me to. Thrive in my beautiful state. BE STRONG!
But I know that this is wrong. It has to be. Doesn't it?
Whats wrong with it though?
Besides the fact that I get a little quick to anger (and that could be due in large part to the fact that I feel under attack), what am I doing that's so wrong?
You say I'm killing myself, and I say you are full of shit. We could all be hit by a bus tomorrow, gunned down, fall and even if it not some freak accident, every day that we live we are one day closer to dying. Everything we do in life brings us one step closer to the final dawn. So why is it so horrible that what I'm doing kills me? We are all going to die one day, right?

See there goes that unhealthy thinking again. But its all I ever think about anymore. Starving. Purging. Suicide. Cutting.
God the thoughts of self mutilation. I might miss that more than Ana. I miss being able to physically express the hurt that I was feeling inside. I miss being able to look down and be reminded. Reminded me to feel. To stay human, to not zone out. "I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all".
Constantly in my head I will get lost in day dreams. But my day dreams are more like the average nightmare. I always see myself in a complete and total maniac rage. I am slicing at anything that comes near me. Including my own limbs and body. Slashing my things. Thrashing against my wrists. Slitting my stomach. Gashing my stomach. Cutting and ruining anything. But in my eyes, people don't see. They see meanness. They see frustration and bitchiness. They get angry with me. Tell me to calm down. But they don't really see all the pain. They can't see how much I don't want to function anymore.
I just don't want to anymore. I feel awful. I can't seem to hold onto anything that gives me joy, My current relationship is scaring the shit out of me. I am too dependent and frightened to death it will end. What will happen to me if it does? Where would I go? What would I do?
I think about these things because I fear she will get sick of me. Bored of my antics. Bored of depression and mood swings. They will take their toll on her and she won't be able to deal anymore.
Especially when there are others.
Other girls equal and exceeding me in beauty. Girls that are more like her. That smile more and aren't as sick in the head as I am.

FUCK ME! Why can't I just shake this. Why can't I just look at everything I have and be grateful and happy? I have everything a person could ask for. I am loved, live in a nice place, have a family, have a job, am pretty, and have friends. What more can I demand?
Why am I so selfish?

I thought all women felt like this

I learn a little more everyday just how unlike the majority of people I am. I thought it was normal to completely hate and loathe your body while on your period (which I am not enjoying having again). I thought all women felt bloated and exceptionally fat and the like. I am apparently wrong, as I am with most things in life.
As always my head takes things to the extreme and pushes me out of the norm. I wake up in the morning and I immediately feel bigger. I see rolls upon rolls of just disgusting blubbery fat. My thighs touch, my stomach sags, my arms jiggle. I just feel the fat. Then god forbid I look in a mirror. Its like looking into a fun house mirror almost. I couldn't be taller than 5' and I must weigh 600 lbs. But its not a fun house mirror, its just your average normal bathroom mirror and I end up seeing a monster looking back at me.
When did I become so body dysmorphic? I do recognize that it is at least partially dysmorphia but I feel like what I see can't be too horribly far off from what others see. How can they not see this whale? How can they not see all the acne? How can they not see my huge disgusting muffin top? How can they not see that I'm fat? Not see how lazy I am? Not see what a wimp I am?
HOW CAN THEY NOT SEE WHAT A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING I AM????
I was getting so much better for awhile there but now I feel like I am falling again. At lunch today, I had to get up and go outside just to keep myself from running to the bathroom and returning to my old vices. I could physically FEEL the pull to go purge in the bathroom. I recently even had to remove the laxatives from my purse because they became too tempting and I didn't think I could overcome the urge to abuse them.
I feel weak. Just ever so very weak. I have no energy. No will power. No drive. No ambitions. No redeeming qualities.
Sometimes I just want to throw up all the negative in me. Throwing up and the over use of my laxative gives me this false sense of cleansing. I feel lighter both physically and mentally. I
I feel stupid. This is stupid. Why do I feel like this? Why do I want to do such STUPID! bull shit. Why do I feel so pressured to be something that isn't even so great and isn't even possible?!?! ITS NOT FUCKING POSSIBLE FOR ME AND IT NEVER WILL BE
Tell that to yourself over and over again, Sarah.
YOU WILL NEVER BE THIN
YOUR BODY ISN'T BUILT FOR IT
YOU WILL NEVER BE THIN
YOUR BODY ISN'T BUILT FOR IT
YOU WILL NEVER BE THIN
YOUR BODY ISN'T BUILT FOR IT
YOU WILL NEVER BE THIN
YOUR BODY ISN'T BUILT FOR IT
YOU WILL NEVER BE THIN
YOUR BODY ISN'T BUILT FOR IT
YOU WILL NEVER BE THIN
YOUR BODY ISN'T BUILT FOR IT