I thought all women felt like this

I learn a little more everyday just how unlike the majority of people I am. I thought it was normal to completely hate and loathe your body while on your period (which I am not enjoying having again). I thought all women felt bloated and exceptionally fat and the like. I am apparently wrong, as I am with most things in life.
As always my head takes things to the extreme and pushes me out of the norm. I wake up in the morning and I immediately feel bigger. I see rolls upon rolls of just disgusting blubbery fat. My thighs touch, my stomach sags, my arms jiggle. I just feel the fat. Then god forbid I look in a mirror. Its like looking into a fun house mirror almost. I couldn't be taller than 5' and I must weigh 600 lbs. But its not a fun house mirror, its just your average normal bathroom mirror and I end up seeing a monster looking back at me.
When did I become so body dysmorphic? I do recognize that it is at least partially dysmorphia but I feel like what I see can't be too horribly far off from what others see. How can they not see this whale? How can they not see all the acne? How can they not see my huge disgusting muffin top? How can they not see that I'm fat? Not see how lazy I am? Not see what a wimp I am?
HOW CAN THEY NOT SEE WHAT A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING I AM????
I was getting so much better for awhile there but now I feel like I am falling again. At lunch today, I had to get up and go outside just to keep myself from running to the bathroom and returning to my old vices. I could physically FEEL the pull to go purge in the bathroom. I recently even had to remove the laxatives from my purse because they became too tempting and I didn't think I could overcome the urge to abuse them.
I feel weak. Just ever so very weak. I have no energy. No will power. No drive. No ambitions. No redeeming qualities.
Sometimes I just want to throw up all the negative in me. Throwing up and the over use of my laxative gives me this false sense of cleansing. I feel lighter both physically and mentally. I
I feel stupid. This is stupid. Why do I feel like this? Why do I want to do such STUPID! bull shit. Why do I feel so pressured to be something that isn't even so great and isn't even possible?!?! ITS NOT FUCKING POSSIBLE FOR ME AND IT NEVER WILL BE
Tell that to yourself over and over again, Sarah.
YOU WILL NEVER BE THIN
YOUR BODY ISN'T BUILT FOR IT
YOU WILL NEVER BE THIN
YOUR BODY ISN'T BUILT FOR IT
YOU WILL NEVER BE THIN
YOUR BODY ISN'T BUILT FOR IT
YOU WILL NEVER BE THIN
YOUR BODY ISN'T BUILT FOR IT
YOU WILL NEVER BE THIN
YOUR BODY ISN'T BUILT FOR IT
YOU WILL NEVER BE THIN
YOUR BODY ISN'T BUILT FOR IT